God*, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

/in /by

“God*, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

The courage to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.”

*God, Goddess, the universe, or whomever your higher power may be.  Many people who are atheists or agnostics find the Serenity Prayer helpful. Just  finish the article and overlook the fact that it is used as a prayer if need be.

I am a semi-reformed control freak.  What that means for me is that instead of biting my teen’s head off when he puts the spatula in the wrong drawer,  I remember I am thankful he’s doing the dishes. And then I silently sneak it back in the right drawer when he’s not looking.

But seriously, I like working with people with control issues.  I am a people with control issues. I think that helps me understand why it’s so difficult to change this particular personality quirk.  As a child (and often as an adult) I felt things were out of my control. Whenever I could, I convinced myself I had more control than I really did.  Parents going somewhere I didn’t like for dinner? Well, maybe if I have a big enough temper tantrum they won’t and we can go to McDonald’s. Sometimes it even worked.

The problem was that I believed I had more power than I did, that I was more important than I really was.  Maybe I was even magical. Take for instance when my parents divorced, I was around ten, a Big Girl. I knew why it was happening.  It was because I was told to get only A’s on my report card and I got two Cs. My father couldn’t stand to live with a daughter who would make two Cs and so he went away, or so my thinking went…  All My Fault.

Yeah, that was also about the time when my perfectionism started to rear its ugly head.  Control and perfectionism are related. Really, they are. But that’s a story for another day, Dearies.  Stay tuned.

As I got to be a teen I became more codependent (again, related to control and another issue for another day) and learned to “give” my power away and try to control people through guilt over what I did for them.  “What, you won’t lend me your car? But I just did all of your homework for you without you even asking me to and I missed dinner to do it and I loaned you $20 last week!” That didn’t give me the control I thought I would get.  Teenager’s brains aren’t fully cooked yet, as you can see by my teen “logic.”

As an, ahem…more surly, late teen I realized that I could control my needs by never asking for them to be met by anyone else.  If I didn’t ask no one would say no and I wouldn’t be disappointed, right? So, I lugged my belongings up four flights of stairs to move into my dorm.  By myself. “No, I don’t need any help, thank you very much!” Nope, no one knew what I needed. I was completely self-sufficient. I was great company, didn’t need anyone else’s. Or at least that’s what I told myself as I ate every meal alone for the first month of my college career. Lonely.  See, brain still not cooked.

After graduate school and about ten years into my career as a mental health therapist I decided I needed a change.  It seemed to me that almost everyone in treatment for mental health issues also had addiction issues. I decided to study more about addiction and learned one of the most important lessons in my life (aside from, “If the boy says he’s not good enough for you he most likely  isn’t.”). I volunteered to help lead a group for people struggling with addiction. These were some of the most amazing people I’ve met in my life. All of them were clean for six months to two years and were so grateful. In the meetings we said the Serenity Prayer (see opening paragraph) and I finally understood what it meant for me.

“It was as if my Higher Power had shaken me while yelling, “MECHELE, WAKE UP!  THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CONTROL IS YOURSELF. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL ANYTHING ELSE AND YOUR EFFORTS TO DO SO ARE FUTILE”  That really scared the shit out of me.  Then I got mad at my Higher Power, who was he to tell me that I can’t control anything.  I controlled nothing and the only thing in my power was me and the changes I could make to myself?  And then I felt the most beautiful relief. I was no longer responsible for what happened in the world or what other people did or said!  It felt as if a weight had fallen off of my shoulders and scales from my eyes. My life would be so much easier if I just focused on being the best person I could be and didn’t judge what others did (more perfectionism).

I began living my life that way.  Most days were much more smooth and happy than before.  Some days I forgot and regressed a bit. I’m not perfect.

Sometimes when I tell my clients, “Control is just an illusion, let it go,” they freak out and fight to stay exactly where they are.  And sometimes they change and generally lead a happier life. It’s not an instant transformation and it takes work. There is a fork in your road.  Which way will you choose?

Wishing you serenity and much happiness,

Mechele

 

Affirmations

/in /by

Affirmations are positive things that we tell ourselves to feel better about ourselves, or others, or situations which wipe out Negative Cognitions.

 

What’s a negative cognition?  Well, that’s all the crap that we and/or others put in our brain over the years that basically tells us that we’re bad, that something’s wrong with us or that we will never succeed.  Here are some examples:

  1. I’m stupid, I will never get a good job.
  2. If people know the real me they would see that I’m a fake and hate me.
  3. Crying makes me weak.
  4. If my parents never loved me than no one will.
  5. It’s my destiny to be used.

 

The result of #1 may be that we feel stuck in the job we’re in and don’t dare try for something better.  This limits our belief in ourselves. Insteady try this, “I can get another job,” and slowly work up to this, “I have  many job opportunities.”

 

The thinking in #2 may make us hide ourselves from others by masking our emotions, beliefs and needs.  Then we never think that we have “real” friends and wonder why we do so much for everyone, but no one does for us. To fix this tell yourself something like, “My friends like me” or, “Some people like me,” and work your way up to, “I’m likeable” or “I like myself.”

 

For #3 we may have been told that we should never cry or that it’s never ok to cry in front of someone else. If we stifle that sad part of us we can never be truly happy (see that Disney movie, “Inside Out.”).  This one will take some action to fix and you may need to allow yourself to cry in front of someone you really trust like your partner, your best friend, or your cat/dog. They may not have the reaction you would want them to have as it may make them uncomfortable and they may not know what to do, but I can pretty much guarantee they won’t go running from the room.  Or you can start more slowly and tell yourself, “It’s ok to cry,” or, “everyone cries in front of someone eventually,” work your way up to, “It’s ok to cry in front of some people,” or simply, “Crying is a healthy expression of my feelings.”

 

If we find ourselves in #4 we may be right, but we may not be right as well. In any case, you’re loveable!  Be selective in who you choose to love, open yourself to love and you will have it. Maybe not the love you dreamed of as a child, or saw in a Disney Princess movie, but a real one.  Try starting with, “Someone must have loved me,” or if you know someone who did love you, a teacher, a grandparent think of them and say, “(insert name here) loved me,” and you can put your cat or dog (or whatever’s) name here if you can’t think of a person.  Work your way up to, “I am loveable,” or “I am deserving of love.”

 

Number 5 tends to be what we tell ourselves when we are stuck in codependent relationships and don’t know how to change and maybe don’t want to change.  Start putting yourself first and say no to people. It will be very uncomfortable at first, but eventually it feels great! We can take much better care of ourselves than anyone else and then we won’t attract as may needy people to ourselves. Try saying to yourself, “I will show myself love by doing one thing I want to do or one thing to take care of myself today,” and do it.  Work your way up to, “I can meet my own needs and will only chose relationships with people who take care of themselves too.”

 

There is a caveat to all of this affirmation stuff.  You have to at least believe a small percentage of what you’re saying on some level.  I’m a big ‘ole girl and if I were to have just begun using affirmations and the one I chose was, “I’m beautiful and love every part of my body the way it is,” I would laugh and never do this again because I wouldn’t believe it.  I would have to start more slowly and pick out some thing I like about my body, for example, “I love the colors in my hair,” or maybe, “I love how these legs have supported me my whole life and taken me to where I needed to go. Eventually I would work my way up to seeing the beauty in my body. Make sense?

 

And it’s not magic mumbo jumbo.  If I’ve heard how fat I was at least 30 times a year for most of my life that screwed up thought is going to be down deep in my mind and it may take years of working on this one issue with affirmations to learn to accept my body the way it is and be grateful for what it’s done for me.  

 

One must repeat these affirmations multiple times a day every freaking day!  It seems like a lot to ask, but you’ll get used to it. I was taught that I should look at myself in a mirror while I said these affirmations and eventually I was able, but at first it was all I could do to mumble them looking down at my feet.  If that’s where you need to start, that’s ok. Just don’t give up!

 

I once worked with a man who thought this was a load of crap.  Literally. He said, “This is a load of crap and there’s no way I’m doing it.”  He was very depressed and unhappy. I told him, “Try this as an experiment for 30 days. Put sticky notes with the affirmations all over your house, your car, your office where you will see them multiple times a day (or put some sort of sticker up that may not say the affirmation, but will remind you to do it multiple times a day).  If you follow this daily and you do not begin to feel better you can come back to me and I will admit that I was wrong and it didn’t work for you.” He really liked the idea of telling me where to stick my affirmations which he believed would never work. Sadly (for no one!), he never got to do this as in three weeks he started feeling a little less depressed and anxious and hopeless.  His wife reported that she was enjoying spending time with him as he was more of his old self and not so grumpy. And it lasted! From time to time over the years he would drop me a line with his progress.

 

So, I challenge you.  Pick out 1-2 negative things that you say about yourself and change them into positive statements.  Find some sticky notes or some stickers and put that positive statement, that you at least somewhat believe on some level, and tell it to yourself multiple times a day for at least 30 days. The worst thing that could happen is that you waste a few minutes every day.  And the best thing that could happen? You could feel better. Go feel better now!

 

Wishing you love, happiness, serenity, and joy!

Mechele Evans, LCSW

 

Our safeword.. Pineapple. Your safeword …CHRISTINA!

/in /by

Hello Everyone,

As you know there have been a string of suicides again this past week. Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, and in our business.. Dave Slick. It sickens me and saddens me that so many think there is no hope and no one to turn to. I will admit I have had my lows, just like everyone else. But I have always had the strength to pull myself up and go on. Life is like a rollercoaster, without the lows and the unfortunate times you get turned upside down and lose what’s in your pockets.. you wouldn’t appreciate the highs and the wind blowing through your hair as you soar through the sky. I’m not sure if I’d really appreciate how lucky I am to be be alive if I had’t fought for my life back in 2006 like I did, and the long road back. That’s why I dedicate a good amount of time to help people that can not help themselves, to give the them some of my strength for just a moment. In my industry the there are more suicides and depression then ever before. There are a dozens of reasons why. But in our industry It always comes back to a soul trying to find a better place in this world, trying to feel good about themselves and make money. A lot of young people today turn to porn when they feel the rest of the world is shit, want to feel glamorous, and be a star. Unfortunately, 1000’s of others are doing the same. Sadly, with all the piracy none of us make enough money anymore to keep hiring the way we used to.  So the cycle continues as they search and search until they sadly enough can take no more. If you have not heard yet we have created a new support system for our industry talent.

Welcome

Let me tell you a little bit about it before we move on to the fun stuff of the day:

OUR MISSION

We at Pineapple will provide 24/7 support for all industry performers. There will be no discrimination, judgment or stigma.

We will provide free and subsidized therapy, ensuring that every member of the Pineapple family is cared for should they need it.

We will create a safe, caring environment that every performer will be proud to be a part of.

We will alleviate the isolation felt by many performers by supporting each other, so that no one need ever feel lonely.

We shall promote mindfulness and positivity, being proactive in caring for our mental health.

We will spread happiness, we will be the change.

HOW CAN PINEAPPLE ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THIS?

With determination, elbow grease and a lot of support from you lovely lot.

Pineapple Support is a registered charity recognized in both the UK and the USA (pending approval), which means helping us can also help you. So please support our mission so we can carry on supporting you and the performers you love so much.

Everyone looks better with a smile.

Now that you know what it is, please be sure to send any performer that you see is having a rough time our way, or come to us and we will go help them. I am a trained listener on Pineapple as well a Director and Trustee. We are a charity, therefore, we do need donations to keep this going and to help as many performers as we can.

Adverse Childhood Events

/in /by

Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs) Study-Physical Problems Due to Unresolved Trauma

How scary is this?  From 1995-1997, Kaiser Permanente, a huge hospital in Southern California studied over 17,000 patients for this study.  It asked questions about abuse and neglect that these patients may have received as a child such as: emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc.  What the study found was that people who were abused or neglected emotionally as children had a whole host of medical problems as adults.

These “events” made their brains develop differently than people who didn’t have abuse or neglect in childhood. This resulted in problems with thinking, socializing, and emotions. This led to risky health behaviors such as poor dietary and exercise habits, eating disorders, ignoring illness, addiction, and general bad self-care. Ignoring health led to in increased number of serious medical diseases such as diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, and so on.  It also resulted in social problems such as not being able to get along with others, having a poor support system (if any), and mental illness. This all results in early death due to complications of all of these issues.

It is normal for children to numb themselves or forget that abuse and neglect occurred.  As adults those memories may break through and we may start to recall more than we want to.  As we age many people try to distance or numb themselves from these thoughts, feelings and memories by “self medicating,” and abusing food (eating disorders), alcohol, drugs, tobacco, sex, or other things.

“ Persons who had experienced four or more categories of childhood exposure, compared to those who had experienced none, had 4- to 12-fold increased health risks for alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and suicide attempt; a 2- to 4-fold increase in smoking, poor self-rated health, ≥50 sexual intercourse partners, and sexually transmitted disease; and a 1.4- to 1.6-fold increase in physical inactivity and severe obesity. The number of categories of adverse childhood exposures showed a graded relationship to the presence of adult diseases including ischemic heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, skeletal fractures, and liver disease. The seven categories of adverse childhood experiences were strongly interrelated and persons with multiple categories of childhood exposure were likely to have multiple health risk factors later in life.”  ACEs study by Vincent J Felitti, MD, FACP; Robert F Anda, MD, MS; Dale Nordenberg, MD; David F WIlliamson MS, PhD; Alison M Spitz MS, MPH; Valerie Edwards BA; Mary P Koss, PhD; and James S Marks MD, MPH.

“Over the past 10 years, more than 20,000 American children are believed to have been killed in their own homes by family members. That is nearly four times the number of US soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. The child maltreatment death rate in the US is triple Canada’s and 11 times that of Italy. Millions of children are reported as abused and neglected every year.” http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15193530.  Sadly, abuse is not rare.

Is there is a chance that you were abused or neglected but you’re not sure?  Or maybe you are sure that it happened. Do you tell yourself, “It’s not that bad?”  Does it cause you shame to think or talk about this? If so, you’re not alone as most people feel this way.  But I would like you to remember, you were a victim, you were a child and you didn’t have the power to stop it.  You may doubt that, but it is true. As an adult you are empowered to talk about this with someone who understands and can support you.

OMG, am I gonna die?!  Well, yes, eventually we all do.  However, if you have a history of abuse and neglect you can get medical attention and regular check ups, eat right, exercise and be more health conscious.  You can meet with a therapist who can help you look at the ways that this abuse or neglect has impacted your emotional health, relationships, etc as well. It is possible to be of healthy body and mind and it is a good thing to strive for.  You are now educated and have the choice to ignore this or empower yourself to go get some help.

Some information taken from the following link where you can get more information: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/about.html

 

WIshing you much happiness, love, and laughter!

Mechele Evans, LCSW

 

Finding A Therapist

/in /by

Therapy! Why do I need to go to a complete stranger and open up my deepest darkest secrets? Why would I want to remember the sad or bad things that have happened to me when I’ve worked so hard to keep them tucked away in a box? What if I try it and it doesn’t work? What if I try it and I feel worse? What if I meet a therapist and they judge me?

Some of us may have had the unfortunate experience of going to a therapist and being judged or not understood and coming out with a feeling of mistrust for therapists. We may not know what questions to ask to find the right counselor. That’s why I was so excited to hear about PinappleSupport.com. A place where you know that you will find someone who understands and doesn’t judge. A safe place.

Deciding to go into therapy is not an easy task. It takes a lot of courage to admit that we have a problem that we may need help to deal with. Maybe we’re angry that we’ve been in therapy before and things we thought we had successfully dealt with keep popping back up. Being in therapy doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re healing. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’re strong enough to open up and grow.

Here are some things you may want to ask a therapist to decide if they are the right fit for you:
Have you counseled people with this problem before?
Are you comfortable helping me with this issue?
How much experience do you have in helping others with this/these issues?
What things do you do to help clients with my issues?
Can we go at my pace?
Do you give advice, teach coping strategies or just listen?

Remember, ever therapist is not a fit for every person and that’s ok. You may need to try several before you find one that clicks or makes you feel comfortable or heard. If the therapist you try isn’t a good fit, try not to feel bad about yourself or your chances of finding a therapist that’s right for you. Don’t give up on yourself or the process.

Wishing you much happiness, love and laughter!

Mechele Evans, LCSW

What It Means To Become A Listener

/in /by

Pineapple Support provides free emotional support 24/7 to people within the adult entertainment industry. We want to support others so they never have to feel alone. Having someone there to listen can make all the difference in someone’s life. Active listening is a great way to support someone. It’s not solving problems, it’s helping someone feel heard, valued, and understood.

Pineapple Support have joined up with 7 Cups of Tea, one of the biggest and best emotional support platforms. When you join Pineapple Support, you not only get to feel good about doing something awesome.

– You become part of the community that genuinely cares and helps others. As a listener, you have access to peers, other listeners, and mentors.

– You develop excellent active listening skills, which will strengthen your relationships, improve your confidence, and equip you to deal with conflicts.

– You get free hands-on training that is designed to help you learn by doing. As 7 Cups says, training is directly relevant and immediately applicable to your life.

Here is how it works: 7 Cups provide free online training & support – all you need is an internet connection to get started.

• Free active listening course

• Online volunteering from home (or via app!)

• Control your own availability to listen

• Get certifications to boost your resume

• Get support & coaching from friendly mentors

• Feel amazing that you are making a difference in other peoples lives!

 

To become a listener follow this link and click on the orange tab at the top of the page “Volunteer as a Listener”

 

Dr Jena Field

Why You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself

/in /by

We might think we feel ashamed when we don’t do the things we set out to do. For instance, when we overindulge, skip the gym, or put our foot in our mouths. But what we are feeling in these instances is not shame, it’s guilt. We often use these terms synonymously but they are actually very different.

Guilt is ‘I did something bad’; Shame is ‘I am bad’.

Guilt alerts us when we do wrong whereas shame is when we feel inherently wrong. This may sound counterintuitive but sometimes feeling ashamed is the best thing for us. (Stay with me here). I am not saying that we should feeling bad about who we are. I am saying that often we already feel shame and we don’t realize it.

The most common cause of anxiety and depression is what psychologists call negative schemas – or long-held beliefs about ourselves – such as ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am not smart enough,’ or ‘I am unlovable’.

We develop these negative self-beliefs when we are children. Often we have no idea that we have them but they influence every decision that we make. When we cling too tightly or reject a romantic hopeful, a negative schema is often to blame. It makes sense when we think about it: if deep down you believe that you are unworthy of love, wouldn’t you be overly anxious about losing someone you care about?

The tricky thing is that shame hides, even from ourselves. Most the time we don’t realize we feel it because it is buried under other emotions. It’s often the culprit behind defensiveness, perfectionism, and people-pleasing.

You’ve got to feel it to heal it.

The only way to stop the negative influence that our schemas and the subsequent shame have on our lives is to identify them. When we uncover negative self-beliefs, we can finally challenge these beliefs and change them.

Some positive news about negative schemas: they are never true.

1) Schemas are based on a child’s logic. Like most child logic, there is a hint of truth mixed with a whole lot of supposition. When we are children, our brains construct schemas to make sense of our surroundings and to help us survive in the world. For instance, a schema like, ‘I am not good enough’ stops us from trying new things and consequently protects us from the pain of failure.

2) Children blame themselves for much of what goes on around them. Children tend to attribute trauma – parents divorce, Grandma’s stroke, or the departure of anyone important – to their own shortcomings. Which is one reason why, ‘I am unlovable’ and ‘I am not good enough’ are the most common schemas.

3) Schemas are overly simplistic. Another very common schema, ‘I am not smart enough,’ is a great example. We may get terrible grades at school but academic tests are only one of many ways to measure intelligence. There are (at least) nine other types of intelligence including interpersonal, physical, creative, and emotional.

Uncovering your negative self-beliefs is just the first step.

Negative schemas are stubborn. They’ve been in our brains for a long time and won’t disappear the moment we uncover them. We’ve got to work at it. I’ve written a number of posts explaining how shame and our inner critical voices harm us. And what steps we can take to change them. Check it out at http://themonkeytherapist.com/category/guilt-shame/

Too Strong To Be Weak

/in /by

I like to consider myself a strong woman, I know myself, I love myself and I never pretend to be a person that I am not.

So why did I allow myself to be emotionally bullied to a point where I turned my back on a career that makes me happy?

Admittedly when I met this man I was in a delicate state, lonely and bored. Bored is always a dangerous one! He seemed so lovely, exciting, caring and the rock I so needed to lean against. He was aware from day one of what I did as a career and was supportive and apparently intrigued by it. Then everything changed, he fell in love, apparently, I don’t think a narcissist can know what love truly is. That is what he was, a narcissist, in the purest form. The only way he took pleasure was in putting me down, draining any ounce of positive energy I had. He would talk about my job and my friends as if they were tarnished, he would shout and scream at me if I so much as mentioned anything to do with the fetish industry, fuck, I couldn’t even put my hair in victory rolls without a bitter remark. In the end it just became easier not to talk or do anything that was remotely related, this included going to events and seeing my friends.

Of course once this was removed from the relationship he soon found other reasons to shout at me and put me down, and I put up with it. Why? For two years. Why?

Eventually I sorted myself out and kicked him out of my house, but it still confuses the shit out of me. How could I allow someone to make me feel this way? I know I will not do it again. Life is too short and too precious.

Full Yogic Breathing Exercise

/in /by

Full Yogic Breath or 3 part Breath

Almost everybody not uses full lung capacity, which can lead to disorders.

Breathing is life.
Breathing is healing.

Why Do This Exercise?:

By learning to breath properly you IMPROVE BREATH CAPACITY.
It can PREVENT disease or even REVERSE harmful conditions that can lead up to disease.
Each practice promotes VITALITY AND RELAXATION in only 1 single exercise.

Invest 5 up to 10 minutes of your time or even less to notice the benefits!

Guideline:

Do NOT use strain
Make the Breath smooth and effortless
Go slow and easy

Most important benefits of full yogic Breath are:

CALMS THE MIND
REDUCES EMOTIONAL AND NERVOUS ANXIETY

Other benefits are:

– release of muscular tension around the heart and digestive organs
helps to overcome the fear of shortage of Breath
Increases cardio vascular system
Improves detoxification
Amplifies auto immune system by increasing energy flow to the endocrine system.

 

Visit Katja’s website www.ReinventYou.me

 

A Blog of Thanks

/in /by

When I began this project, I had no idea how many wonderful, kind people there still were in this world. It is easy to get blinded by all the negativity in the media and forget that the majority of people are inherently good.

Launching Pineapple Support, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for and so far the journey has been incredible, learning so much about the nature of people and even myself.

So for the 1st blog post on PineappleSupport.com I would like to give thanks to some of those who have gone beyond the call of duty and helped make this dream a reality.

Pat and the team at 7cups, you made the impossible possible. Thank you for believing in Pineapple Support and all that we strive to accomplish

Glen at CSDesign agency, thank you for dropping everything and coming to my rescue…. a lot. You really have gone above and beyond.

Bernadette Giacomazzo, publicist extraordinaire, you donated the most valuable commodity, your time. Thank you.

Ian at Woven Inc, after 16 years of friendship, thank you for not only putting up with my indecisive ramblings, but also producing the highest quality merchandise.

Nic at Highground Design, the brave man who agreed to design the PineappleSupport.com website. Little did you know just how many expletives a woman could use in one sentence, thank you for not telling me to f*** off yet.

Jena Field, my friend, my copy write and the very first therapist to get on board with Pineapple Support. You have helped me more than you could ever know. Thank you.

Michele Karban, Pineapple Support therapist, one of my closest friends and closest neighbours. I am very aware of how irritating I have been, thank you for helping me arrange the hectic mess that was my mind…. and for still speaking to me.

Christina Carter, Kimmie Kaboom and Nyssa Nevers, my sisters from other Misters, thank you for your love, your support and for always being at the other end of the telephone whenever I have needed you. I love you.