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Should you share your Life on Social Media?

Reaching out and providing support at anytime is important but even more so now.

Working from home has never felt so isolating and for most of us, admitting we are lonely and perhaps need help is one of the last things on our mind. For some unknown reason, that feeling of self-worth gets all screwed up in our head and finds its way out somewhat bitter and twisted. Sometimes we believe that everyone else should know how we are feeling, even though they don’t actually live inside our head!

Social media has a big part to play in todays world as we assume that once we have pressed ‘Enter’, all of our friends and all of the friends of those friends will see our post and come rushing to the rescue. The truth is that very few people actually see your latest ‘out-pouring’, and those that do find it hard to accept and respond to such an open form of counselling.

It is also increasingly difficult as you get older to accept help, we seem to revert back to those teenage years where we believed that nobody understood us and everyone was in fact out to make our lives difficult. Being independent is fine (up to a point) but at some time in our lives we all need a little bit of help, or a shoulder to cry on.

Knowing who you can trust and speak to about such personal matters is the first key to being able to cope with any kind of pressure. You shouldn’t wait until you need the help either. Find out who your real friends are by really thinking about your relationship with them.

You may share all the positive things in your life with a group of people or one person in particular and all the negative issues with another. You may even be the type of person who doesn’t ever share anything about their private life with friends ever.

Whichever group you belong to and especially if you are on your own, you do need support from time to time.

Pineapple Support have made it their mission to provide free support and therapy for all persons working in the online adult industry. It doesn’t matter about your gender, sexual orientation, ethnic origin, social status or age. They provide support 24/7 and their team of sex-worker friendly therapists offer face to face, or online therapy to anyone who needs it.

Their ever-growing team are always looking for ways to raise extra funds so that they can provide even more help for professional coaching, therapy and counselling for those who require help and support.

Do what you can to help this amazing cause.

Love to you ALL

Carla Sez x

Adverse Childhood Events

Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs) Study-Physical Problems Due to Unresolved Trauma

How scary is this?  From 1995-1997, Kaiser Permanente, a huge hospital in Southern California studied over 17,000 patients for this study.  It asked questions about abuse and neglect that these patients may have received as a child such as: emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, etc.  What the study found was that people who were abused or neglected emotionally as children had a whole host of medical problems as adults.

These “events” made their brains develop differently than people who didn’t have abuse or neglect in childhood. This resulted in problems with thinking, socializing, and emotions. This led to risky health behaviors such as poor dietary and exercise habits, eating disorders, ignoring illness, addiction, and general bad self-care. Ignoring health led to in increased number of serious medical diseases such as diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, and so on.  It also resulted in social problems such as not being able to get along with others, having a poor support system (if any), and mental illness. This all results in early death due to complications of all of these issues.

It is normal for children to numb themselves or forget that abuse and neglect occurred.  As adults those memories may break through and we may start to recall more than we want to.  As we age many people try to distance or numb themselves from these thoughts, feelings and memories by “self medicating,” and abusing food (eating disorders), alcohol, drugs, tobacco, sex, or other things.

“ Persons who had experienced four or more categories of childhood exposure, compared to those who had experienced none, had 4- to 12-fold increased health risks for alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and suicide attempt; a 2- to 4-fold increase in smoking, poor self-rated health, ≥50 sexual intercourse partners, and sexually transmitted disease; and a 1.4- to 1.6-fold increase in physical inactivity and severe obesity. The number of categories of adverse childhood exposures showed a graded relationship to the presence of adult diseases including ischemic heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, skeletal fractures, and liver disease. The seven categories of adverse childhood experiences were strongly interrelated and persons with multiple categories of childhood exposure were likely to have multiple health risk factors later in life.”  ACEs study by Vincent J Felitti, MD, FACP; Robert F Anda, MD, MS; Dale Nordenberg, MD; David F WIlliamson MS, PhD; Alison M Spitz MS, MPH; Valerie Edwards BA; Mary P Koss, PhD; and James S Marks MD, MPH.

“Over the past 10 years, more than 20,000 American children are believed to have been killed in their own homes by family members. That is nearly four times the number of US soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. The child maltreatment death rate in the US is triple Canada’s and 11 times that of Italy. Millions of children are reported as abused and neglected every year.” http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15193530.  Sadly, abuse is not rare.

Is there is a chance that you were abused or neglected but you’re not sure?  Or maybe you are sure that it happened. Do you tell yourself, “It’s not that bad?”  Does it cause you shame to think or talk about this? If so, you’re not alone as most people feel this way.  But I would like you to remember, you were a victim, you were a child and you didn’t have the power to stop it.  You may doubt that, but it is true. As an adult you are empowered to talk about this with someone who understands and can support you.

OMG, am I gonna die?!  Well, yes, eventually we all do.  However, if you have a history of abuse and neglect you can get medical attention and regular check ups, eat right, exercise and be more health conscious.  You can meet with a therapist who can help you look at the ways that this abuse or neglect has impacted your emotional health, relationships, etc as well. It is possible to be of healthy body and mind and it is a good thing to strive for.  You are now educated and have the choice to ignore this or empower yourself to go get some help.

Some information taken from the following link where you can get more information: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/about.html

 

WIshing you much happiness, love, and laughter!

Mechele Evans, LCSW

 

Why You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself

We might think we feel ashamed when we don’t do the things we set out to do. For instance, when we overindulge, skip the gym, or put our foot in our mouths. But what we are feeling in these instances is not shame, it’s guilt. We often use these terms synonymously but they are actually very different.

Guilt is ‘I did something bad’; Shame is ‘I am bad’.

Guilt alerts us when we do wrong whereas shame is when we feel inherently wrong. This may sound counterintuitive but sometimes feeling ashamed is the best thing for us. (Stay with me here). I am not saying that we should feeling bad about who we are. I am saying that often we already feel shame and we don’t realize it.

The most common cause of anxiety and depression is what psychologists call negative schemas – or long-held beliefs about ourselves – such as ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am not smart enough,’ or ‘I am unlovable’.

We develop these negative self-beliefs when we are children. Often we have no idea that we have them but they influence every decision that we make. When we cling too tightly or reject a romantic hopeful, a negative schema is often to blame. It makes sense when we think about it: if deep down you believe that you are unworthy of love, wouldn’t you be overly anxious about losing someone you care about?

The tricky thing is that shame hides, even from ourselves. Most the time we don’t realize we feel it because it is buried under other emotions. It’s often the culprit behind defensiveness, perfectionism, and people-pleasing.

You’ve got to feel it to heal it.

The only way to stop the negative influence that our schemas and the subsequent shame have on our lives is to identify them. When we uncover negative self-beliefs, we can finally challenge these beliefs and change them.

Some positive news about negative schemas: they are never true.

1) Schemas are based on a child’s logic. Like most child logic, there is a hint of truth mixed with a whole lot of supposition. When we are children, our brains construct schemas to make sense of our surroundings and to help us survive in the world. For instance, a schema like, ‘I am not good enough’ stops us from trying new things and consequently protects us from the pain of failure.

2) Children blame themselves for much of what goes on around them. Children tend to attribute trauma – parents divorce, Grandma’s stroke, or the departure of anyone important – to their own shortcomings. Which is one reason why, ‘I am unlovable’ and ‘I am not good enough’ are the most common schemas.

3) Schemas are overly simplistic. Another very common schema, ‘I am not smart enough,’ is a great example. We may get terrible grades at school but academic tests are only one of many ways to measure intelligence. There are (at least) nine other types of intelligence including interpersonal, physical, creative, and emotional.

Uncovering your negative self-beliefs is just the first step.

Negative schemas are stubborn. They’ve been in our brains for a long time and won’t disappear the moment we uncover them. We’ve got to work at it. I’ve written a number of posts explaining how shame and our inner critical voices harm us. And what steps we can take to change them. Check it out at http://themonkeytherapist.com/category/guilt-shame/