“This anger is not mine…”
I finally understood.
It was the imprint of a shadow
On my soul
All that was left to honour the pain
Endured.
Spontaneous eruptions
Harming innocent bystanders,
Were rooted in the shadow
Cast over me from that time
In that place.
And now the shadow gathered and swarmed
Trapping me in a self-imposed prison;
A wall of smoke and mirrors
Surrounding me.
What was real?
I could not know.
Warped perception of reality, I ploughed forth into the world.
Wreaking havoc with my scars;
With my view-distorting Shadow Lenses.
I saw what it wanted me to see.
In my nightmares
In my dreams
In my life.
Detached.
Floating.
No sense of reality.
“No hold on real life.”
An out-of-body experience.
For years
It felt as if I were a bystander,
Watching an automation
Live my life.
To the point where I didn’t know my reflection.
Body and face, wracked with the shadow
The shadow poisoned me:
Poisoned my responses;
Poisoned my actions;
My reactions.
Self-hate and self-loathing poisoned my judgement
My judgement of myself.
It wasn’t me.
Surely it couldn’t be me
Acting like such a lunatic?!
But there was nothing I could do.
The shadow had taken my power.
The shadow was in control.
Until all that was left of me
Was a corpse.
Curled on the floor of the shower.
Empty.
Drowning.
Water, burning
Trying to feel something,
Anything.
So many forms of self-harm
To try and feel something.
To try to penetrate this numbness
This lack of ability to feel anything remotely deeply.
–
–
–
And still today it haunts me.
The shadow of my past.
But I’m learning to move through it.
To face the pain, at last.
I know it won’t be easy,
Lord knows it will be hard.
But I’ve adorned my strongest armour
And into battle, I will charge.
I will meet the shadows in combat
With love and with compassion
I will fight with all my might to heal
I will not turn away again.
Written by Liza Bella
