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3 things you should do before telling your partner it’s over

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

Staying in an unhappy relationship is quite common when there is abuse or when children are involved. Guilt and shame are tough feelings to shake-off when you feel like you are breaking up your family. Overcoming the fear of leaving your partner is a process that can take years. Many couples try to work things out, while others choose to end the relationship as quickly as possible.

If you made the decision to leave your partner, you should educate and prepare yourself for the journey ahead. These tips might help you start your separation journey in peace:

1. Get organized

Understanding your options when it comes to an official separation or divorce can save you a lot of time and money. Divorce proceedings can be extremely time consuming (and ridiculously expensive), so doing a bit of research ahead of time, will help you choose the right option. As much as you will need a lawyer at some point, meeting with a certified divorce and separation coach first is advisable. Divorce coaching is an alternative dispute resolution method recognized by the American Bar Association. It is a goal-oriented process that focuses on your needs and wants while promoting drama-free separations.

A coach can help you choose the right approach according to your priorities and budget. They can offer resources and connect you with the right professionals: lawyer, mediator, financial advisor, therapist, broker etc. You will need to gather personal and financial information and choose a path between collaboration/mediation and litigation.

 

2. Choose the right time

Timing is very important when it comes to setting the tone of your separation process. Unless you need to escape an abusive relationship, finding the right moment to talk to your partner about the relationship might help bring closure to that chapter of your lives. Couples therapy can help your partner understand where you are coming from and offer a new perspective. Some relationships thrive after counseling, others realize that it is time to part ways.

If you are certain about ending your relationship, and if you feel safe doing so, try talking to your partner when you are both calm and alone. If you can express yourself better in writing, a letter might be a good idea (not a text!). Many people wait until the new year because they feel bad “ruining the holidays”; some wait until the end of the school year; others do one last family vacation. It is never easy to tell someone you want out, so try to find the time that suits you and your family best.

 

3. Practice Compassion

The transition process that takes us from “happily together” to “happily apart” can last up to 3 years for some people. Usually, the initiator has been thinking about separation for some time before pulling the plug on the relationship. The one dropping the initiating the break-up has likely thought about their exit strategy and has probably already talked to a friend, relative, therapist or lawyer about their separation. The initiator is usually more mentally-prepared for the road ahead.

If you want out of your relationship and your partner has no clue, work on your emotional intelligence and communication skills (coaches are great for this too). Understand your partner might do things to “get back at you” because they are in pain. You can’t control how others react, but you can help ease the blow by being gentle in the way you deliver this message. You might not feel the same as the other person, but you have probably experienced sadness and anger before. Being compassionate will go a long way when it’s time to sit down and negotiate parenting schedules, living arrangements and financial support. Even if you are leaving because you were hurt or betrayed by your partner, you might seek comfort in knowing that they have been hurting for a long time and they have not learned how to heal old wounds and childhood traumas.

As much as your safety and happiness must come first, being kind and working on your emotional intelligence will make the process a little bit less painful for everyone involved.

 

Written by: Zelena van der Leeden, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

A Millennial Divorce Story: it’s ok to put yourself first!

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

My divorce journey was a roller-coaster of emotions to say the least: I had my ups and my downs, my moments of absolute bliss and also of terrible despair. Luckily, I was surrounded by an incredible support network: friends, family, therapist, doctors and my yoga community.

I got married because I grew up in a time and in a culture where marriage and having children was seen as the highlight of a woman’s life. I had looked forward to my wedding day since I was 15 years old. When I was 21, my teen dream came true and I left Venezuela to live my happily ever after in Canada.

After the birth of my second baby, I started to feel off. I was 29 years old and I had two kids under the age of two. I thought I had the baby blues because I was sleep deprived, but looking back, I was going through a major existential crisis. It turns out, I had grown to become a very independent woman who wanted to explore and travel the world. Marriage and two babies did not fit my new found dream.

I struggled with guilt for close to two years. I did not want to hurt my husband and I did not want my children to grow up in a “broken” family. We tried couple’s therapy. I wanted to make it work for everyone’s sake, but I decided that I wanted my children to grow up with a happy mom so their dad and I decided to part ways.

What happened in the coming years is something that I do not feel comfortable sharing. I went from being a social butterfly (loud latina), to a very private person (mindful yogi). Mistakes and assumptions were made that ended up affecting my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, but I traveled the world and my young adult dream came true.

I spent a lot of time by myself and it was very hard at first. I started “masturdating”: I took myself on fun outings and had amazing experiences. I quickly embraced my solitude as an opportunity to get to know myself and grow. I became a registered yoga teacher, a certified divorce coach, a stepmom and an entrepreneur.

I learned a lot about myself: values, likes, pet peeves, kinks and priorities. I accepted myself with kindness and compassion and despite feeling selfish at times, I put myself first. I took care of my mind, body and spirit. I spoiled myself when I could and for the first time as I was present and seizing the day.

Funny enough, this “selfish” act made me a better parent, a better partner and a better friend. By acknowledging loving my true self, I became less judgmental about others. I volunteered more, gave more, created more and laughed more. I learned about having perspective and my emotional intelligence increased a point or two.

Whenever I meet new people, I find myself saying: I am a divorce coach and I hope you never need my services. Even though divorce helped me fall in love with myself, I am not pro-divorce. Relationships require hard work, love, trust, patience and good communication.

Many clients come to us because they are thinking about divorce, but it is not always the magical solution to life’s problems. If you end a long-term relationship and move on to the next one without understanding what went wrong and healing, chances are the relationship will fail again.

My advice is: if you are going through a separation, take the time to fall in love with yourself and to pursue your dreams. Believe me: when my marriage ended and I said I was going to travel, people said I would never be able to pull it off as a single mom and a full-time job. You are the only one with the power to change your life (if there is anything you want to change, that is).

Get in touch with your essence and take care of yourself. If money is tight, take an evening or afternoon off, ask a family member or a friend to watch the kids and go do something that brings you joy. Connect with others and stay true to yourself… You’ve got this! You are stronger than you think.

 

Written by: Zelena van der Leeden, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

Dating after divorce: are you ready for it?

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

As I sit here today, the father of four in a perfectly imperfect blended family, I am grateful things turned out how they did. Mistakes were made along the way, but we also did things that enabled us to create a happy space for our new family.

After a marriage you might be itching to get back out there, find someone that gets your juices going and latch on for the ride. Years of self-neglect, needs not being met and a loveless relationship make jumping into something new tempting, but there are risks with that. Starting a relationship might even turn a respectful/amicable separation into a high-conflict nightmare. If you are exploring relationships or already in one, this article might help you avoid some of the pain we experienced and stories we hear from clients.

Illustration by Alisa Zahoruiko via iStock

Many of our clients start relationships soon after separation. Feeling lonely is completely natural, but being alone will allow you to start a self-discovery journey that will help you heal old wounds, learn from your mistakes, grow stronger and become wiser. Before trying to find a new partner, try to get to know yourself better: what makes you happy? What triggers you? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

A new partner should lighten up your world, but if you don’t know who you are or what you want out of this life, you might end up choosing the wrong partner again. New lovers should not fill voids, nor should they be used to get back at your ex. People who jump from relationship to relationship tend to make the same mistakes and usually wonder why they cannot be with anyone long-term (no wonder why divorce rates skyrocket after the second marriage). There is no timeline for being ready to move on, but we recommend taking six months to yourself: heal and learn to love yourself before giving your heart away again.

Self-care is the path to self-love: take yourself out on dates, exercise, learn something new, volunteer… maybe you have been thinking about taking a course, joining a team or a club. If you struggle with anxiety or depression, you should consider talking to a therapist or having an appointment with your medical doctor (trust the experts!).

Understanding where romance falls in your list of priorities is very important. Remember that a day has 24 hours, so take some time to think how much time you want to spend on self-care, on your career, on your family, etc.

Do you have the time and energy to add someone new to the mix? And if you do, what kind of person do you want by your side? How do they make you feel? What do you do together? How do they talk to you? How do they support you? How often do you see them? Visualizing your ideal partner is not just about looks, job titles and income.

If you find someone that checks all the marks, take some time to really get to know them. The honeymoon phase can last anywhere between 6 months to 2 years, so slowing down might let you see your new partner’s true colors before you make any life-changing decisions. You might want to talk to a lawyer before moving in with someone else or consider having a cohabitation agreement that will protect you if things don’t work out.

Do not introduce your new partner to your children until you are sure that this new person fits into your life’s plan. Some kids fantasize about their parents getting back together, so introducing a new partner too soon might backfire. They might think the new partner is to blame for the divorce or for their parents inability to reconcile. The last thing you want is for your kids to resent you or your new partner during these confusing times. You might eventually want to blend your family, but giving the children time to adapt is in their best interest. A child psychologist can give you tools for discussing your love life with the children: how and when to introduce a new partner, what sort of activities to do together and how to ensure you still have quality time with your children without the new partner present.

Another person to consider when you start dating again is your former spouse. Sounds a little strange, doesn’t it?

Now that you are no longer in your relationship, you can do what you want! You have freedom!

 

Not so fast…

Whether you like it or not, your former spouse holds a lot of power in the separation process and if you trigger them at the wrong time, look out. Emotional intelligence is key when dealing with matters of the heart. Certified divorce coaches can help you communicate delicate matters with compassion and set boundaries to protect your privacy and avoid future problems. When people are hurt they tend to act irrationally and they might try to get back at you by taking you to court, withholding the children or even suing you (we have seen and heard it all!).

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in fear or hide things from your former partner, but if you want a peaceful separation, make sure you are doing everything in your power to maintain the peace and give everyone time to transition into the new family dynamic. Putting yourself in your ex’s shoes might help you understand how your action might play out in future discussions around parenting time, decision making, property division and support payments.

Everyone deserves love and you have been deprived of it for a long time, you might want to jump back into the dating world right away. This is normal, but take a deep breath and start by loving the only constant in your life: yourself. If you focus on nourishing your mind, body and spirit, you will be wiser, kinder and stronger. Confidence and independence are attractive. Empower yourself and the right person will come your way when you are ready. Put yourself out there, but not because you want to meet someone; do it because you want to grow and become the best version of yourself.

Surround yourself with people that energize you and not with those who drain you. Believe that you deserve to be cherished and respected and the right person will come. If they are not right for you, be grateful for the good times you had together and for what you learned from the experience. As cliché as it sounds, there are plenty of fish in the sea and as long as you continue to love yourself, others will want to join in the fun.

 

Written by: Jake Purdy, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

5 Ways to Support a Friend Going through Divorce

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

Where I come from, they say that you can count your true friends with your fingers. People have different concepts of the word friendship, but one thing we can all agree on is that a real friend has earned your trust and that you have earned theirs.

Having someone’s support when we are going through difficult times can make the journey less painful and less lonely. Friends usually have the power to make us feel better, but sometimes they feel lost and unable to help.

When someone is going through a divorce, people start sharing their Kramer Vs Kramer stories. They tell you what they or others did to keep the house, or the kids and they try to connect you with the best shark in town! Divorce can be a traumatic experience, so when you meet someone who has gone through a difficult separation, you tend to bond and want to help.

If marital breakdown is affecting someone you love, here are some ways in which you can support them:

  1. Ask how you can help

    This might seem obvious, but if you have a friend who is clearly struggling, you might offer opti/ons and solutions that are unwanted. Some people like company and distraction: they want to relax and think about something other than divorce. Others need space: alone time, or less crowded events. They might want to vent and just have you sit there and nod and say: your ex is evil! Or, they might want to avoid the topic all together. They might need money, food or just someone to help with the kids and chores while they deal with the legal mess while trying to keep some sanity. Before you offer help, ask them what they need and then see what you can do to support them.

  2. Respect boundaries

    Even if you mean well, breaking boundaries can slow down your friend’s healing process. Unless you are worried about their wellbeing, if someone wants to be alone you must respect that. If someone says that they don’t want to talk about the divorce, then you shouldn’t ask about it. Let the person lead, but be inquisitive and attentive. Let them know you are around without being too intrusive. Let them share what they feel comfortable with and show interest without falling under the gossip trap. If there are children involved, remember that the high-conflict separations can end up in custody battles, so make sure not share any details about their case with anyone.
    Sometimes a hug can go a long way.

  3. Expect bad days

    We’ve all experienced the blues. Being sad is not a bad thing, but being sad all the time is a sign of depression. If your friend is having ups and downs, that is completely understandable. You’ll know how to help because you have asked and you’ll make sure to respect their boundaries. If you are worried that they might be struggling with mental health issues, you might want to suggest that they talk to their doctor or to a therapist. Some cope with drugs and alcohol and if you think it is getting out of hand, consider saying something. Know that you are not a psychologist and that it is not your job to fix your friend; but a good friend will try to help by offering resources and connecting them with experts.

  1. Offer a different perspective

    Sometimes we try to be supportive by agreeing with our friends. While every single emotion is valid, sometimes people get stuck on an issue that prevents them from moving forward. This is normal because divorce can be stressful and scary and when people are scared they go into fight or flight mode. You can validate every single feeling they have while offering a different point of view. You might help them see alternatives or at least to consider options. Asking questions usually works: What scares you about that idea? Why do you think that? What would happen if…? If you have been through a divorce or know people who have, it’s easy to generalize and compare cases. Understand that every family dynamic is different and that everyone needs to find their own way. If you are encouraging behaviors that will worsen the situation, you are not helping your friend. Try to stay objective.

  2. Cheer for them

    Adapting to life after divorce is a process that takes approximately 3 years for most families with children. Your friend will go through a lot of battles: emotional, legal, social, financial… they will win some and lose some. They will have to negotiate and figure out their priorities and start a new chapter of their lives. They will feel lost and hopeless at times, so it is important that you help them celebrate the small victories: reaching an agreement, moving into a new home, getting a new job, putting themselves out there. If you notice a positive change in your friend’s attitude, make sure you point it out!

 

If you are worried about a friend and don’t feel comfortable having these types of conversations, you can refer them to a divorce coach. Shame and guilt stops people from opening up to friends. Don’t take it personally, just remind them that you are on their side and that you will be supportive while staying true to yourself.

 

 

Written by: Zelena van der Leeden, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

You can apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash