A Millennial Divorce Story: it’s ok to put yourself first!

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

My divorce journey was a roller-coaster of emotions to say the least: I had my ups and my downs, my moments of absolute bliss and also of terrible despair. Luckily, I was surrounded by an incredible support network: friends, family, therapist, doctors and my yoga community.

I got married because I grew up in a time and in a culture where marriage and having children was seen as the highlight of a woman’s life. I had looked forward to my wedding day since I was 15 years old. When I was 21, my teen dream came true and I left Venezuela to live my happily ever after in Canada.

After the birth of my second baby, I started to feel off. I was 29 years old and I had two kids under the age of two. I thought I had the baby blues because I was sleep deprived, but looking back, I was going through a major existential crisis. It turns out, I had grown to become a very independent woman who wanted to explore and travel the world. Marriage and two babies did not fit my new found dream.

I struggled with guilt for close to two years. I did not want to hurt my husband and I did not want my children to grow up in a “broken” family. We tried couple’s therapy. I wanted to make it work for everyone’s sake, but I decided that I wanted my children to grow up with a happy mom so their dad and I decided to part ways.

What happened in the coming years is something that I do not feel comfortable sharing. I went from being a social butterfly (loud latina), to a very private person (mindful yogi). Mistakes and assumptions were made that ended up affecting my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, but I traveled the world and my young adult dream came true.

I spent a lot of time by myself and it was very hard at first. I started “masturdating”: I took myself on fun outings and had amazing experiences. I quickly embraced my solitude as an opportunity to get to know myself and grow. I became a registered yoga teacher, a certified divorce coach, a stepmom and an entrepreneur.

I learned a lot about myself: values, likes, pet peeves, kinks and priorities. I accepted myself with kindness and compassion and despite feeling selfish at times, I put myself first. I took care of my mind, body and spirit. I spoiled myself when I could and for the first time as I was present and seizing the day.

Funny enough, this “selfish” act made me a better parent, a better partner and a better friend. By acknowledging loving my true self, I became less judgmental about others. I volunteered more, gave more, created more and laughed more. I learned about having perspective and my emotional intelligence increased a point or two.

Whenever I meet new people, I find myself saying: I am a divorce coach and I hope you never need my services. Even though divorce helped me fall in love with myself, I am not pro-divorce. Relationships require hard work, love, trust, patience and good communication.

Many clients come to us because they are thinking about divorce, but it is not always the magical solution to life’s problems. If you end a long-term relationship and move on to the next one without understanding what went wrong and healing, chances are the relationship will fail again.

My advice is: if you are going through a separation, take the time to fall in love with yourself and to pursue your dreams. Believe me: when my marriage ended and I said I was going to travel, people said I would never be able to pull it off as a single mom and a full-time job. You are the only one with the power to change your life (if there is anything you want to change, that is).

Get in touch with your essence and take care of yourself. If money is tight, take an evening or afternoon off, ask a family member or a friend to watch the kids and go do something that brings you joy. Connect with others and stay true to yourself… You’ve got this! You are stronger than you think.

 

Written by: Zelena van der Leeden, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

A Guide to Deepening Intimacy in Your Relationship

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If you’re a content creator in the adult industry, you know that authenticity and connection are key to making content that truly resonates. So, let’s explore 10 tips to enhance your personal life and infuse that magic into your intimate relationships.

Understanding Intimacy

Let’s take a moment to define what we mean by ‘intimacy.’ It’s more than just the steamy sex – it’s about building deep emotional connections, embracing vulnerability, and establishing trust. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences openly, creating a space for authenticity, and fostering a sense of belonging. And the beauty of it? The benefits are incredible – reduced stress, increased happiness, and a more pleasurable connection.

 

  1. Prioritize Daily Emotional Intimacy:
    In the hustle of life, we often forget the power of emotional connection. Setting aside quality time without distractions, having regular date nights, and engaging in relationship check-ins can work wonders. These moments of connection not only strengthen the bond of your personal relationship, it can also fuel the flames of on-screen desire.
  2. Be Vulnerable and Radically Honest:
    Intimacy thrives on openness, and this holds true for both your personal and professional life. Sharing your thoughts, dreams, and struggles – a practice known as personal disclosure – is crucial for building emotional connection.. Creating a two-way street for vulnerability establishes an environment of trust and emotional safety, enhancing connections on and off the screen.
  3. Improve Intimate Communication:
    Talking about sex can actually improve sexual satisfaction. Research has found that couples who openly discuss their desires report higher levels of satisfaction overall. So, start the conversation about what you like, dislike, and what turns you on. It’s a pathway to deeper connection.
  4. Reminisce & Retell Your ‘Love Story’:
    Take a trip down memory lane. Reminisce about how you first met, your favorite adventures, and those funny moments that define your journey. Research shows that couples who positively recollect their relationship stories have stronger and more intimate relationships overall.
  5. Scheduled Sex:
    Scheduling sex might sound unromantic, but think of it as making the important things a priority. By putting it in your calendar, you’re making a commitment to each other. Understanding what activities turn on the sexual spark for both of you can add excitement to scheduled encounters.
  6. Get Better at Conflict Resolution:
    Intimacy isn’t just about the good stuff; it’s also about navigating conflicts in a healthy way. Active listening, emotional intelligence, grounded communication, and knowing when to call an effective ‘timeout’ are essential skills for building trust and safety. The result is scenes, and personal relationships, that captivate and endure.
  7. Exercise or Try Something New:
    Boosting adrenaline through exciting activities can trick your brain into associating the excitement with sexual arousal. So, whether it’s trying a new activity together or hitting the gym, infusing a bit of adventure can spice up your connection.
  8. Share Appreciation:
    Expressing gratitude for the little things your partner does can have a profound impact on your relationship. Research indicates that couples who make a habit of expressing gratitude spend more time together, increasing intimacy and strengthening connection.
  9. Celebrate Each Other’s Success:
    How you respond to your partner’s achievements matters. An active-constructive response, where you show enthusiasm and interest, is associated with greater relationship satisfaction and positive feelings. Celebrate each other’s personal and professional successes, and you might find your intimacy levels soaring.
  10. Increase Physical Touch – Without Expectation:
    Physical touch is a vital aspect of intimacy. Small, no-pressure touches like hugs, kisses, and holding hands in everyday situations release oxytocin, strengthening your relationship and creating an instant connection.

Let’s embark on this journey of deepening intimacy together. Whether it’s for your personal life or your content creation, these tips are your secret to a connection that lasts!

 

We acknowledge that the adult industry and personal relationships can present unique challenges. Past trauma, serious mental health concerns, addiction or substance abuse, or dangerous levels of relationship conflict might require the expertise of a therapist as a first step. Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Dating after divorce: are you ready for it?

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

As I sit here today, the father of four in a perfectly imperfect blended family, I am grateful things turned out how they did. Mistakes were made along the way, but we also did things that enabled us to create a happy space for our new family.

After a marriage you might be itching to get back out there, find someone that gets your juices going and latch on for the ride. Years of self-neglect, needs not being met and a loveless relationship make jumping into something new tempting, but there are risks with that. Starting a relationship might even turn a respectful/amicable separation into a high-conflict nightmare. If you are exploring relationships or already in one, this article might help you avoid some of the pain we experienced and stories we hear from clients.

Illustration by Alisa Zahoruiko via iStock

Many of our clients start relationships soon after separation. Feeling lonely is completely natural, but being alone will allow you to start a self-discovery journey that will help you heal old wounds, learn from your mistakes, grow stronger and become wiser. Before trying to find a new partner, try to get to know yourself better: what makes you happy? What triggers you? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

A new partner should lighten up your world, but if you don’t know who you are or what you want out of this life, you might end up choosing the wrong partner again. New lovers should not fill voids, nor should they be used to get back at your ex. People who jump from relationship to relationship tend to make the same mistakes and usually wonder why they cannot be with anyone long-term (no wonder why divorce rates skyrocket after the second marriage). There is no timeline for being ready to move on, but we recommend taking six months to yourself: heal and learn to love yourself before giving your heart away again.

Self-care is the path to self-love: take yourself out on dates, exercise, learn something new, volunteer… maybe you have been thinking about taking a course, joining a team or a club. If you struggle with anxiety or depression, you should consider talking to a therapist or having an appointment with your medical doctor (trust the experts!).

Understanding where romance falls in your list of priorities is very important. Remember that a day has 24 hours, so take some time to think how much time you want to spend on self-care, on your career, on your family, etc.

Do you have the time and energy to add someone new to the mix? And if you do, what kind of person do you want by your side? How do they make you feel? What do you do together? How do they talk to you? How do they support you? How often do you see them? Visualizing your ideal partner is not just about looks, job titles and income.

If you find someone that checks all the marks, take some time to really get to know them. The honeymoon phase can last anywhere between 6 months to 2 years, so slowing down might let you see your new partner’s true colors before you make any life-changing decisions. You might want to talk to a lawyer before moving in with someone else or consider having a cohabitation agreement that will protect you if things don’t work out.

Do not introduce your new partner to your children until you are sure that this new person fits into your life’s plan. Some kids fantasize about their parents getting back together, so introducing a new partner too soon might backfire. They might think the new partner is to blame for the divorce or for their parents inability to reconcile. The last thing you want is for your kids to resent you or your new partner during these confusing times. You might eventually want to blend your family, but giving the children time to adapt is in their best interest. A child psychologist can give you tools for discussing your love life with the children: how and when to introduce a new partner, what sort of activities to do together and how to ensure you still have quality time with your children without the new partner present.

Another person to consider when you start dating again is your former spouse. Sounds a little strange, doesn’t it?

Now that you are no longer in your relationship, you can do what you want! You have freedom!

 

Not so fast…

Whether you like it or not, your former spouse holds a lot of power in the separation process and if you trigger them at the wrong time, look out. Emotional intelligence is key when dealing with matters of the heart. Certified divorce coaches can help you communicate delicate matters with compassion and set boundaries to protect your privacy and avoid future problems. When people are hurt they tend to act irrationally and they might try to get back at you by taking you to court, withholding the children or even suing you (we have seen and heard it all!).

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in fear or hide things from your former partner, but if you want a peaceful separation, make sure you are doing everything in your power to maintain the peace and give everyone time to transition into the new family dynamic. Putting yourself in your ex’s shoes might help you understand how your action might play out in future discussions around parenting time, decision making, property division and support payments.

Everyone deserves love and you have been deprived of it for a long time, you might want to jump back into the dating world right away. This is normal, but take a deep breath and start by loving the only constant in your life: yourself. If you focus on nourishing your mind, body and spirit, you will be wiser, kinder and stronger. Confidence and independence are attractive. Empower yourself and the right person will come your way when you are ready. Put yourself out there, but not because you want to meet someone; do it because you want to grow and become the best version of yourself.

Surround yourself with people that energize you and not with those who drain you. Believe that you deserve to be cherished and respected and the right person will come. If they are not right for you, be grateful for the good times you had together and for what you learned from the experience. As cliché as it sounds, there are plenty of fish in the sea and as long as you continue to love yourself, others will want to join in the fun.

 

Written by: Jake Purdy, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Substances and Harm Reduction

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Written by Tom Howells

 

We’re all adults in the adult space, so pretending that drugs aren’t used by some of us doesn’t help anyone. What is helpful is real advice about changing behaviours in order to minimise the inherent risks. In light of tragic events within our industry we wanted to share some insight into safer drug use and what steps you can take to reduce risk to yourself and others if you do choose to use drugs/alcohol.

The most important step is to make sure you know what you are taking is what you’ve been told it is. That doesn’t mean asking the person you sourced it from, it means at least using test kits/fentanyl testing strips, or ideally full clinical testing (if available in your area). Fentanyl is becoming more and more commonly used to increase the apparent ‘potency’ of different drugs, and this synthetic opioid is 50 times more potent than heroin, so even trace amounts cut into your drugs can mean the risk is dramatically increased.

With cases of drink spiking on the rise it is also important to make sure your drink doesn’t get anything unwanted added to it. It’s incredibly important to watch your drink at all times, cover the top if you aren’t certain you can keep it safe, also some people feel safer drinking shots as there is less time for the drink to be tampered with before it is gone (although in this case it’s easier to drink more/more quickly than you wanted).  A large proportion of drink spiking is done by friends of the victim, and it can be meant as ‘fun’ or ‘a joke’ but the reality is the only person who knows what drugs somebody wants is that person themselves. Giving somebody something without their knowledge (even an extra shot of alcohol) can be the difference between fun or tragedy.

Equally important is keeping track of how much of your (hopefully tested) drugs or alcohol you are consuming. This is obviously hard to do on a night out but there are different ways to make that easier. Separating a large quantity into smaller doses in order to know your consumption, and how quickly you have consumed those drugs is a simple way of making sure you don’t end up going too far too quickly and causing yourself harm. That and only bringing the quantity you intend to consume will reduce the risk of unintentionally high doses. You can’t take what isn’t there!

Using alcohol/drugs when you’re emotionally distressed is a huge factor in how much risk you may place yourself in, it may be the reason you ignore the steps outlined above and take bigger risks and potentially bigger doses. This increases the risk of physical harm, but also the risk of harm to mental health. This coupled with the stigma surrounding drugs, the industry, and mental health is where Pineapple can help. Those facing tough times may feel their only solution is to hide their problems using substances, but relying on drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism can quickly spiral into addiction and further exacerbate mental health issues. Our team of therapists is there to make sure those facing these situations have a safe space to explore the issues that may lead them to abusing drugs and alcohol, and offer them help dealing with addiction. It can be incredibly hard for an individual to accept they need support and to reach out and ask, but our therapists ensure a completely safe space without stigma, and specific experience in the adult space giving them unparalleled insight into the issues we face.

Links:

Drugsdata.org – USA, accepts international postage. DEA licensed drug testing laboratory. Postal fixed location.

Energycontrol-international.org – Spain, European wide, accepts international postage. Fixed location.

Wedinos.org – UK based fixed location testing laboratory.

Wearetheloop.org – UK based pop-up testing clinics.

 

You are loved, we are listening – you are not alone. Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

 

Photo by Shahadat Rahman on Unsplash

5 Ways to Support a Friend Going through Divorce

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

Where I come from, they say that you can count your true friends with your fingers. People have different concepts of the word friendship, but one thing we can all agree on is that a real friend has earned your trust and that you have earned theirs.

Having someone’s support when we are going through difficult times can make the journey less painful and less lonely. Friends usually have the power to make us feel better, but sometimes they feel lost and unable to help.

When someone is going through a divorce, people start sharing their Kramer Vs Kramer stories. They tell you what they or others did to keep the house, or the kids and they try to connect you with the best shark in town! Divorce can be a traumatic experience, so when you meet someone who has gone through a difficult separation, you tend to bond and want to help.

If marital breakdown is affecting someone you love, here are some ways in which you can support them:

  1. Ask how you can help

    This might seem obvious, but if you have a friend who is clearly struggling, you might offer opti/ons and solutions that are unwanted. Some people like company and distraction: they want to relax and think about something other than divorce. Others need space: alone time, or less crowded events. They might want to vent and just have you sit there and nod and say: your ex is evil! Or, they might want to avoid the topic all together. They might need money, food or just someone to help with the kids and chores while they deal with the legal mess while trying to keep some sanity. Before you offer help, ask them what they need and then see what you can do to support them.

  2. Respect boundaries

    Even if you mean well, breaking boundaries can slow down your friend’s healing process. Unless you are worried about their wellbeing, if someone wants to be alone you must respect that. If someone says that they don’t want to talk about the divorce, then you shouldn’t ask about it. Let the person lead, but be inquisitive and attentive. Let them know you are around without being too intrusive. Let them share what they feel comfortable with and show interest without falling under the gossip trap. If there are children involved, remember that the high-conflict separations can end up in custody battles, so make sure not share any details about their case with anyone.
    Sometimes a hug can go a long way.

  3. Expect bad days

    We’ve all experienced the blues. Being sad is not a bad thing, but being sad all the time is a sign of depression. If your friend is having ups and downs, that is completely understandable. You’ll know how to help because you have asked and you’ll make sure to respect their boundaries. If you are worried that they might be struggling with mental health issues, you might want to suggest that they talk to their doctor or to a therapist. Some cope with drugs and alcohol and if you think it is getting out of hand, consider saying something. Know that you are not a psychologist and that it is not your job to fix your friend; but a good friend will try to help by offering resources and connecting them with experts.

  1. Offer a different perspective

    Sometimes we try to be supportive by agreeing with our friends. While every single emotion is valid, sometimes people get stuck on an issue that prevents them from moving forward. This is normal because divorce can be stressful and scary and when people are scared they go into fight or flight mode. You can validate every single feeling they have while offering a different point of view. You might help them see alternatives or at least to consider options. Asking questions usually works: What scares you about that idea? Why do you think that? What would happen if…? If you have been through a divorce or know people who have, it’s easy to generalize and compare cases. Understand that every family dynamic is different and that everyone needs to find their own way. If you are encouraging behaviors that will worsen the situation, you are not helping your friend. Try to stay objective.

  2. Cheer for them

    Adapting to life after divorce is a process that takes approximately 3 years for most families with children. Your friend will go through a lot of battles: emotional, legal, social, financial… they will win some and lose some. They will have to negotiate and figure out their priorities and start a new chapter of their lives. They will feel lost and hopeless at times, so it is important that you help them celebrate the small victories: reaching an agreement, moving into a new home, getting a new job, putting themselves out there. If you notice a positive change in your friend’s attitude, make sure you point it out!

 

If you are worried about a friend and don’t feel comfortable having these types of conversations, you can refer them to a divorce coach. Shame and guilt stops people from opening up to friends. Don’t take it personally, just remind them that you are on their side and that you will be supportive while staying true to yourself.

 

 

Written by: Zelena van der Leeden, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

You can apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Preventing Burnout In The Adult Industry

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Life can get pretty overwhelming, especially for content creators juggling numerous demands. If you’re feeling emotionally and physically drained, it might be more than just the usual stress. You could be on the brink of burnout.

Burnout isn’t exclusive to the workplace; personal responsibilities can contribute too. Whether you’re facing burnout from content creation or other aspects of life, chronic stress can affect your productivity, work-life balance, and overall well-being.

Since burnout is prevalent, especially in the creative field, it’s crucial to know how to prevent it. Check out these 25 friendly suggestions to recharge and avoid becoming overwhelmed. Let’s explore how to keep the creative flame burning without burning out:

Spot the Early Signs of Burnout:
Recognize the signs early to manage stress effectively.
Signs include physical exhaustion, mood swings, increased anxiety, and a lack of enthusiasm for activities.

Embrace Regular Exercise:
Hit the gym, go for a jog, or take a dance class to boost physical and mental well-being.
Studies show that activities like yoga can significantly reduce stress and burnout.

Master Your Workload:
Prioritize tasks and don’t hesitate to delegate when needed.

Take Mental Breaks:
Working nonstop can lead to fatigue. Short breaks throughout the day enhance productivity.

Prioritize Self-Care:
Make yourself a priority—eat well, get enough sleep, and indulge in activities you enjoy.

Establish Clear Boundaries:
Set boundaries to balance work and personal life, reducing constant stress.

Find Privacy:
Allocate time alone daily for focused tasks without distractions.

Keep Learning:
Refresh your skills regularly to feel confident and capable in your creative endeavors.

Cultivate Hobbies:
Engage in hobbies to unwind and improve your overall quality of life.

Banish Negative Self-Talk:
Reframe negative thoughts to boost confidence and resilience.

Practice Mindfulness:
Focus on the present moment to stay calm amid high stress.

Explore Meditation:
Dedicate a few minutes daily to meditation for stress relief.

Enhance Sleep Hygiene:
Develop healthy sleep habits for deeper and more restful sleep.

Start Journaling:
Express creativity and emotions through journaling to prevent burnout.

Recite Positive Affirmations:
Boost confidence and reduce stress with daily affirmations.

Embrace Laughter:
Laughing and smiling can instantly reduce stress and improve your mood.

Relax with Breathing Exercises:
Calm down quickly with simple breathing exercises.

Schedule Relaxation Time:
Set reminders to take breaks and prioritize relaxation.

Connect with Others:
Social support is vital. Make time for family and friends even when busy.

Reframe Negative Situations:
Change your perspective on challenges for better stress management.

Start Meal Planning:
Plan meals ahead to ensure a healthy and convenient diet.

Get Outside:
Step outside for a breath of fresh air, sunlight, and a change of scenery.

Ask for Help:
Don’t hesitate to seek support when your schedule feels overwhelming.

Consider Therapy:
If burnout symptoms persist, therapy can provide tools for a positive mindset.

Remember, taking care of your well-being is essential for sustained creativity. Consider professional help, Pineapple Support provides free and subsidised mental health care and emotional support to adult industry professionals. Please reach out.

Building a Support System in the Adult Industry

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Emma is an International Life Coach, friend and ally to those working within the adult industries. You can contact her here – www.imperfectly-you.com

 

In the world of adult entertainment, performers often face unique challenges and complexities that can make it difficult to find a strong support system. Maintaining a healthy work-life balance, dealing with stigma, and managing relationships can be particularly challenging. That’s why it’s crucial to explore the importance of having a network of supportive friends and allies who understand the challenges of this industry.

The Isolation Dilemma

The adult industry can be a solitary place. Many performers lead double lives, keeping their profession hidden from their friends and family due to the persistent stigma associated with the work. This isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and even depression. The need for a supportive network becomes all the more critical.

Understanding and Empathy

Having friends and allies who understand the unique challenges of the adult industry can provide a sense of relief and belonging. These individuals offer empathy, as they’ve likely faced similar issues. They understand the stigma, the struggles with work-life balance, and the difficulties of maintaining personal relationships. They can provide invaluable advice, share experiences, and be a source of genuine empathy and understanding.

Finding Supportive Friends

Building a support system starts with finding the right people who can be there for you. Here’s how to go about it:

  1. Online Communities: Seek out online forums, social media groups, or private communities where individuals in the adult industry connect. At Imperfectly You we have a private and friendly community where sex workers can share experiences, gain advice and form valuable connections.
  2. Attend Industry Events: Many adult entertainment events, conferences, and trade shows offer opportunities to meet and connect with peers. These events can help you establish a sense of community and build lasting relationships with those who understand your world. We recently attended XBIZ Amsterdam and met so many wonderful people!
  3. Reach Out to Trusted Peers: Over time, you may come to know peers in the industry whom you trust. Opening up to them about your challenges can lead to deep, supportive friendships. Sharing your experiences can be liberating and strengthen your connection with others.
  4. Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, the support of friends may not be enough. Consider reaching out to therapists or counselors through Pineapple Support who specialize in working with people in the adult industry. They can offer a non-judgmental space for you to discuss your feelings and challenges.

 

Benefits of a Supportive Network

Reduced Stigma: When you have friends and allies who understand your work, it can help reduce the stigma you may face from others. Knowing that you have people who accept you for who you are can boost your self-esteem and self-worth.

 

Mental Health: A supportive network can be a lifeline for your mental health. It offers a safe space to express your feelings, seek advice, and gain emotional support during tough times. Within our network mental health is at the forefront of our ethos – how can we be great performers if we don’t feel great ourselves? You come first and work comes second.

 

Professional Growth: Your network can be a valuable resource for career growth. You can learn from others’ experiences and insights, helping you navigate the industry more successfully. Our daily group chat is filled with amazing tips and tricks to help you succeed in this industry.

 

Healthy Relationships: Friends who understand your profession are more likely to offer advice on managing personal relationships and maintaining a work-life balance. Their guidance can be priceless. Within our network we meet monthly over zoom forming real friendships between real people.

 

Mutual Support: Remember, your friends and allies need your support too. The give-and-take nature of these relationships can create a strong bond that benefits all involved.

 

In Conclusion

Building a support system in the adult industry is not just beneficial; it’s often essential for your well-being and professional success. The understanding and empathy offered by friends and allies who share your experiences can help you navigate the challenges unique to the industry, reduce the stigma you face, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling life. Seek out these connections, both online and in-person, and remember that there are people who genuinely understand and care about you as a person, not just your profession.

 

Life Coach Emma x

Is your work/life balance out of whack?

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Emma is an International Life Coach, friend and ally to those working within the adult industries. You can contact her here – www.imperfectly-you.com

 

In a world that often blurs the lines between work and personal life, the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance is so important. This holds true across all professions, including sex work. The unique challenges and dynamics of this industry make achieving balance all the more vital. Let’s delve into why work-life balance is crucial for sex workers, and how it can be achieved.

1. Preserving Mental and Emotional Well-being:

Engaging in sex work can be emotionally demanding. The intimate nature of the interactions and the potential for encountering difficult or complex situations can take a toll on your mental health. Establishing clear boundaries between work and personal life can help you prevent emotional burnout and fatigue. By allocating time and space to focus on personal well-being, you can recharge and process your emotions in a healthy way. Taking time for yourself matters!

2. Ensuring Physical Health:

Whether sex work involves physical interactions or not, the stressors of the profession can impact your physical health. Erratic schedules, long hours, sitting on a bed all day, contorted into strange positions and using toys regularly can have an effect on your body. Checking in with how you feel physically and noticing when it may be time to rest is crucial. A balanced routine that includes regular exercise/movement, proper nutrition, and sufficient rest is essential for maintaining your physical health.

3. Nurturing Relationships:

Building and nurturing personal relationships can be challenging when coping with the demands of sex work. A healthy work-life balance allows time to be spent with your friends, family, and partners too. It can be tempting to work those extra hours in the evening instead of seeing the ones you love but your close relationships can offer a support system and sense of belonging for you during challenging times.

4. Avoiding Isolation:

The nature of sex work often necessitates secrecy and perhaps working alone most days, which can lead to feelings of isolation. Isolation, in turn, can negatively impact your mental health. A balanced life encourages social interactions and connections outside of your professional space. Engaging in hobbies, social activities, and generally just doing the things you enjoy with others can counteract the isolating effects of leading a double life.

5. Enhancing Productivity and Focus:

When work and personal life become intertwined, it becomes challenging to dedicate focused time to either. Sometimes you may get the feeling of constantly ‘chasing your tail’, not able to wholeheartedly put yourself into work OR just relax. By setting clear boundaries and allocating specific times for work-related activities, you can enhance your productivity during work hours and fully engage in personal activities during your downtime without feeling guilty.

6. Sustaining Longevity:

Without proper work-life balance, the risk of burning out or experiencing emotional exhaustion increases significantly. By prioritising your well-being, you can create a more sustainable and fulfilling career in the long run.

7. Empowerment and Self-Worth:

Achieving work-life balance is an act of empowerment. It communicates to yourself that personal well-being and happiness hold inherent value. By practising self-care and setting boundaries, you can reinforce your self-worth and feel more in control.

In conclusion, work-life balance is a critical aspect for you! By prioritising self-care, setting boundaries, and nurturing personal relationships, you can navigate the unique challenges of your profession while maintaining your mental, emotional, and physical health.

How do you manage your work/life balance?

 

Life Coach Emma x

Active Listening: How to become a better listener

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I’m really grateful to have people in my life that I can talk to when I’m having a hard time. But sometimes I find it difficult to talk to the people that know me best. Their love for me and desire to help me means that they give advice, and share their thoughts and opinions, even when they haven’t been asked for them. Often I can end a conversation feeling like I’ve talked a lot, but I haven’t been heard. I haven’t been listened to.

In our everyday conversations, we can have a tendency to concentrate on thinking about what we are going to say next or simply waiting to talk without engaging with what has previously been said. Additionally, if we are not mindful, we can enter into a conversation ready to provide advice or solutions without asking if that is what our conversation partner wants. When we intentionally give space for the other person to speak and encourage them to give further details as they feel comfortable, by asking open questions, we can build connection, strengthen bonds and deepen our relationships. Allowing space in conversation and asking open questions are some of the skills that are the foundations of Active Listening.

Active Listening requires us to pay close attention to the speaker so that we can absorb, comprehend and reflect what they are saying. When we focus on doing these things we demonstrate empathy, compassion, understanding and respect.

Pineapple Support knows that there are people working within the adult industry that feel isolated and lonely, even though they may have lots of friends or industry connections. Many adult industry workers lack spaces where they can talk freely whilst knowing that they are not going to be judged, and that is why Pineapple Support set up a volunteer-led, 24/7 listening service using the online emotional support platform, 7 Cups of Team. All the volunteers are members of the public and adult industry professionals who are trained in Active Listening especially to help our community.

Through the Pineapple Support 24/7 listening service, anyone who is working in the online adult industry, that wants to talk about whatever is on their mind, can reach out to a trained, compassionate listener. It’s completely anonymous, and there’s no judgement and no problem solving. Just a space to help you clear your head.

Equally, anyone can become a Pineapple Support listener. There’s a short, online training programme which you can work through at your own pace. Once you have successfully completed the course, you can start volunteering straight away. The platform works with any web browser or you can download the app and provide support direct from your mobile phone.

Pineapple Support is always looking to welcome new volunteer listeners. If you’d like to learn or develop Active Listening skills, this is great way to do it. We’re looking forward to you joining us.

Do you feel like you’re living a double life?

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Emma is an International Life Coach, friend and ally to those working within the adult industries. You can contact her here – www.imperfectly-you.com

 

The Choice for Transparency :

At a time when our personal lives are increasingly shared and documented on social media, some sex workers have chosen to embrace a path of transparency and openness about their profession.

These individuals often find empowerment in breaking down the societal stigma associated with sex work. They advertise their services boldly on various online platforms, share their experiences through blogs and social media accounts, and have open conversations with their family and friends about their chosen profession. Their decision to be public about their work reflects a desire for authenticity and a drive to challenge societal norms.

For these sex workers, the journey to public visibility has not been without its challenges. They face judgement and backlash from those who hold more traditional views, and they grapple with the ongoing fight against the pervasive stigma surrounding their occupation. Yet, their commitment to openness serves as a beacon of hope for dismantling these prejudices. By putting a human face on sex work, they are raising awareness, fostering understanding, and advocating for the rights and dignity of all individuals engaged in this line of work.

 

Embracing Anonymity :

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some sex workers opt for anonymity, carefully guarding their secret from all but a select few. These individuals recognize the weight of societal judgement and the potential repercussions that might come from openly acknowledging their involvement in the industry. To maintain a sense of normalcy in their personal lives, they present a different face to the world – one that conforms to societal expectations and avoids the harsh spotlight of scrutiny.

For them, the double life becomes a coping mechanism, allowing them to navigate the complexities of their profession while preserving a semblance of privacy and safety. Balancing between two identities, they navigate the challenges of compartmentalization, carefully choosing who to confide in about their reality. This path may involve creating elaborate narratives to explain their income or time commitments, further underscoring the lengths they go to maintain their chosen level of secrecy.

 

The Spectrum of Experience

Across these potential situations lies a vast spectrum of experiences that encompass the world of sex work. From the outwardly open sex worker to the individual whose parallel life is a closely guarded secret…the range of situations and motivations is as diverse as humanity itself. Some may engage in sex work out of necessity, while others find empowerment and fulfillment in their chosen profession.

No matter where they fall on this spectrum, the shared thread of leading a double life often binds them together. Navigating the intricacies of maintaining separate identities (personal and professional), balancing societal expectations, and grappling with the internal conflicts that can arise is no small feat. The journey can be rife with emotional challenges, as well as moments of triumph when they decide to assert our truth in the face of adversity.

The decision to be public or anonymous is a deeply personal one, influenced by a myriad of factors including societal norms, legal considerations, and personal values. Whether you choose to be an advocate for change by embracing transparency or seek refuge in the shadows of anonymity, the courage and strength required to work in this field should not be underestimated. It is a reminder that every individual’s journey is unique, and your choices deserve respect and understanding.

No matter where you find yourself on the spectrum of sex work visibility, the pursuit of authenticity remains a universal desire. Striking a balance between the various facets of your life, even as you navigate the challenges of leading a double life, is possible. Here are some strategies to help you live authentically, no matter your chosen level of openness:

  1. Self-Awareness and Reflection: Take time to reflect on your motivations, values, and goals. Understand why you’ve chosen the level of visibility that you have. This self-awareness can help you align your actions with your personal values and make intentional decisions about how to present yourself to the world.
  2. Boundary Setting: Whether you’re fully open about your sex work or keeping it private, establish clear boundaries between your personal and professional lives. Clearly define how much information you’re comfortable sharing with different people.
  3. Selective Disclosure: For those who prefer to keep their sex work private, consider identifying a trusted circle of friends or family members to whom you can confide in. Having a support system can provide a space where you can be your authentic self without fear of judgement.
  4. Education and Advocacy: If you’re open about your involvement in sex work, consider using your platform to educate others about the realities of the industry, dispel myths, and advocate for the rights and well-being of sex workers. This proactive approach can empower you and contribute to positive change.
  5. Seek Support: Engaging with others who share similar experiences can be incredibly validating and empowering. Online communities, support groups, and advocacy organisations can offer a safe space to connect, share, and learn from one another.
  6. Prioritise Mental Health: Regardless of your chosen level of visibility, the emotional toll of leading a double life can be significant. Prioritise your mental health by seeking supportive communities, practising self-care, and developing coping strategies to manage stress and emotional challenges.
  7. Authentic Self-Care: Incorporate activities and practices into your life that help you reconnect with your authentic self. This could include pursuing hobbies, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in activities that bring you joy outside of your professional identity.
  8. Embrace Flexibility: Understand that your level of visibility might evolve over time. As you grow, your comfort and willingness to share aspects of your life may change. Embrace this fluidity and adjust your approach as needed.
  9. Challenge Internalised Stigma: If you’re struggling with feelings of shame or guilt related to your involvement in sex work, work on challenging those internalized stigmas. Recognize that your worth is not defined by your profession, and seek out affirming perspectives. You could also speak to a professional who can help you work through these feelings.
  10. Celebrate Small Victories: Living authentically, especially in the face of societal challenges, is an ongoing journey. Celebrate the small victories, whether that’s having an honest conversation with a friend or family member or advocating for change in your community.

In the end, the pursuit of authenticity is a deeply personal journey. While the circumstances and choices of sex workers may vary widely, the shared goal of living authentically bridges the gaps between these experiences.

By honouring your personal values, setting healthy boundaries, seeking support, and advocating for change when possible, you can navigate the complexities of working within the sex industry while still remaining true to yourself.

Remember that your journey is valid, and you have the power to shape your narrative on your own terms.

 

Life Coach Emma x