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Confessions of a Millennial Step-mom

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

When I was little, my biggest fear was that my mom would die and that my dad would remarry an evil woman: I did not want to end up like Cinderella or Snow White! I hated Meredith from the Parent Trap and I cried myself to sleep for days after watching Stepmom (both released in 1998 when I was 13). My parents stayed together until I was a young adult, so I never had a wicked stepmom, but I did become one…

I got married young and had the perfect Disney family for a while, but dad and I separated when my babies were 2 and 4. Being a single parent was the most difficult and enriching experience of my life. I bonded deeply with my children and I will forever cherish the times when it was just the three of us. When the kids were with dad, I traveled as much as I could and I spent a lot of time alone. It was during this time when I figured out who I really was and what I truly wanted out of life.

I did not plan to meet my fiancé and business partner while going through a divorce (he was going through one too!), but I believe we were meant to be together. We did not want to introduce ourselves to our respective children, but on a rainy day, we bumped into each other at the only indoor play structure in the neighborhood. We told the kids we were friends and they played together for hours (they were 4, 5, 6 and 7 at the time).

Motherhood is a never ending job and we learn to adapt our parenting tactics as we all grow. I have been a step-mom for over 2 years and it has been a fun and wild ride! When you parent your own children, you allow yourself to fully express your emotions, but when you are a step-mom, you second-guess your every move: am I too strict? Too lenient? Will they think I am trying to replace their mom? What should they call me?

I always consult with experts when I have doubts and we were told to be our authentic selves and to follow the children’s lead. Children respond to love and that is what we did. We never forced them to call us by a specific name or title and we treat them all the same way. They also look alike, so when we go out people think they are biological siblings and the kids don’t like it when we correct them, so we just play pretend during short interactions. They love to pretend they are two sets of twins when strangers start asking too many questions and we always share a good laugh afterwards.

My biological kids also have a step-mom and they love her. She loves doing crafts and baking, (two things I suck at), which is why I love the term “bonus mom”. Movies have turned most step-moms into villains or slutty milfs, but to me, we are just a bit of extra love and attention. Who wouldn’t want that for their kids? And yes, I am aware that there are some evil step-parents out there, but there are also abusive and neglectful biological parents. Most of humanity is good, so let’s not focus on the few that give a bad rep to the rest of us.

There is no competition, there is no replacement. If you are a step-parent and you truly love your step-children, tell them. Spend time bonding with them and don’t be afraid to discipline them, but stay true to yourself. Don’t try hard! Be patient and kind and time will take care of the rest.

 

Written by: Zelena van der Leeden, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Photo by Kylo on Unsplash

How to Have the Best Relationship with Yourself

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It’s never too late to build a solid relationship with the most important person in your life – YOU. Whether you’re a content creator or just someone seeking self-discovery, understanding and nurturing your connection with yourself is the ultimate game-changer.

 

Unlocking the Power of Self-Connection:

Amongst all the competing demands of life, our relationship with ourselves sets the stage for everything else. It’s not about being the “best friend” to yourself, but rather becoming a reliable companion and ally. Think of it as building the foundations of a strong, supportive friendship within.

Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Self-Relationship:

Crafting the best relationship with yourself is a journey filled with self-discovery, kindness, and growth. Here are some practical steps you can take to a fulfilling connection with yourself.

Set Intentions and Stay Aware:
Begin by setting a thoughtful intention to cultivate a positive relationship with yourself. Recognize that this is an ongoing journey, and your goals will evolve over time. Keep your eyes on the long-term, knowing that the path may meander but always leads to growth. Stay aware of your thoughts, feelings, and needs, adapting your approach as you grow.

Plan for Now, Soon, and Later:
Break down your self-relationship goals into manageable steps. Establish short-term habits that bring immediate joy, plan for middle-term milestones, and envision the person you want to become in the long term.  Balancing immediate gratification with long-term satisfaction is key. It’s not about perfection; it’s about progress. A well-thought-out plan is your roadmap to success.

Embrace Change with Curiosity and Acceptance:
Change is inevitable, and that’s a good thing. Approach your self-relationship with curiosity. Embrace changes with open arms, understanding that growth is a beautiful, ever-evolving process. Accept yourself in each phase of this journey, appreciating the uniqueness that defines you.

Prioritize Basic Self-Care:
Your body and mind are the canvas of your self-relationship. Start with the basics – quality sleep, nutritious food, regular activity, and mental well-being. Nurturing your body and mind will lay the foundation for a resilient and sustainable self-relationship. Caring for your physical needs builds trust and affection toward yourself and your ability to prioritize your well-being.

Be Kind to You:
Work toward appraising yourself with kindness, avoiding destructive criticism. Act as your own cheerleader and appreciate your efforts and progress. Self-reflection doesn’t mean self-blame. Be honest and take responsibility, but do it with a gentle touch. You’re a work in progress, not a finished masterpiece. Self-kindness is the fuel that propels you forward, fostering a sense of pride and self-worth.

Surround Yourself with Supportive Souls:
Connect with people who align with your self-relationship goals. Positive relationships serve as models and support systems. Cultivate connections that uplift and inspire, forging connections with those who share similar self-growth goals. A supportive community provides understanding, encouragement, and a sense of belonging.

Blend Realistic Optimism with Action:
Perfectionism is the nemesis of sustainable change. Embrace a mindset of realistic optimism by setting achievable goals and building on them. Be patient and celebrate small victories – they pave the way for lasting transformation. Optimism becomes a powerful ally in sustaining positive change.

Create a Personal Crisis Plan:
Life brings challenges, of that we can be certain. Having a crisis plan is your anchor during stormy times. Anticipate challenges by having trusted individuals ready to provide perspective. Write down your thoughts, and remind yourself of your long-term goals during difficult moments.

Infuse Meaning into Activities:
Seek meaning in work, hobbies, relationships, and personal connections. Meaningful activities provide satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. Your passions contribute to a fulfilling existence – explore them with genuine curiosity and entertainment, enhancing the quality of your relationship with yourself.

Establish Positive Daily Habits:
Start each day with positive intentions. Remind yourself of your long-term goals, review key practices, and navigate your day with purpose. Although spontaneity is crucial, keeping your goals in mind ensures actions that support your self-relationship journey.

Speak Love to Yourself:
Be mindful of your inner dialogue. Notice when you’re being overly critical, slow down, and replace it with gentle, kind and supportive words. Conversations with yourself can be empowering – choose words that uplift and nurture. Transformative self-talk is a powerful tool for cultivating self-compassion.

Escape the “Selfish Trap”:
Challenge the notion that self-care is selfish. There is a difference between healthy self-focus and self-centeredness. Reject the idea that taking care of your needs is indulgent, and recognize that prioritizing your needs is a necessity for a thriving self-relationship. Overcome guilt associated with self-care. It’s not selfish – it’s necessary!

 

A Transformative Journey

Cultivating the best relationship with yourself is a transformative journey. Be patient, stay kind, and revel in the joy of self-discovery. As you nurture this connection, may you find profound happiness, resilience, and an unwavering love for the incredible person you are becoming. Embrace the adventure, celebrate progress, and enjoy the evolving connection with the extraordinary person you are!

If you need support, you can apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

 

Photo by De’Andre Bush on Unsplash

A Millennial Divorce Story: it’s ok to put yourself first!

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

My divorce journey was a roller-coaster of emotions to say the least: I had my ups and my downs, my moments of absolute bliss and also of terrible despair. Luckily, I was surrounded by an incredible support network: friends, family, therapist, doctors and my yoga community.

I got married because I grew up in a time and in a culture where marriage and having children was seen as the highlight of a woman’s life. I had looked forward to my wedding day since I was 15 years old. When I was 21, my teen dream came true and I left Venezuela to live my happily ever after in Canada.

After the birth of my second baby, I started to feel off. I was 29 years old and I had two kids under the age of two. I thought I had the baby blues because I was sleep deprived, but looking back, I was going through a major existential crisis. It turns out, I had grown to become a very independent woman who wanted to explore and travel the world. Marriage and two babies did not fit my new found dream.

I struggled with guilt for close to two years. I did not want to hurt my husband and I did not want my children to grow up in a “broken” family. We tried couple’s therapy. I wanted to make it work for everyone’s sake, but I decided that I wanted my children to grow up with a happy mom so their dad and I decided to part ways.

What happened in the coming years is something that I do not feel comfortable sharing. I went from being a social butterfly (loud latina), to a very private person (mindful yogi). Mistakes and assumptions were made that ended up affecting my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, but I traveled the world and my young adult dream came true.

I spent a lot of time by myself and it was very hard at first. I started “masturdating”: I took myself on fun outings and had amazing experiences. I quickly embraced my solitude as an opportunity to get to know myself and grow. I became a registered yoga teacher, a certified divorce coach, a stepmom and an entrepreneur.

I learned a lot about myself: values, likes, pet peeves, kinks and priorities. I accepted myself with kindness and compassion and despite feeling selfish at times, I put myself first. I took care of my mind, body and spirit. I spoiled myself when I could and for the first time as I was present and seizing the day.

Funny enough, this “selfish” act made me a better parent, a better partner and a better friend. By acknowledging loving my true self, I became less judgmental about others. I volunteered more, gave more, created more and laughed more. I learned about having perspective and my emotional intelligence increased a point or two.

Whenever I meet new people, I find myself saying: I am a divorce coach and I hope you never need my services. Even though divorce helped me fall in love with myself, I am not pro-divorce. Relationships require hard work, love, trust, patience and good communication.

Many clients come to us because they are thinking about divorce, but it is not always the magical solution to life’s problems. If you end a long-term relationship and move on to the next one without understanding what went wrong and healing, chances are the relationship will fail again.

My advice is: if you are going through a separation, take the time to fall in love with yourself and to pursue your dreams. Believe me: when my marriage ended and I said I was going to travel, people said I would never be able to pull it off as a single mom and a full-time job. You are the only one with the power to change your life (if there is anything you want to change, that is).

Get in touch with your essence and take care of yourself. If money is tight, take an evening or afternoon off, ask a family member or a friend to watch the kids and go do something that brings you joy. Connect with others and stay true to yourself… You’ve got this! You are stronger than you think.

 

Written by: Zelena van der Leeden, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

Dating after divorce: are you ready for it?

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

As I sit here today, the father of four in a perfectly imperfect blended family, I am grateful things turned out how they did. Mistakes were made along the way, but we also did things that enabled us to create a happy space for our new family.

After a marriage you might be itching to get back out there, find someone that gets your juices going and latch on for the ride. Years of self-neglect, needs not being met and a loveless relationship make jumping into something new tempting, but there are risks with that. Starting a relationship might even turn a respectful/amicable separation into a high-conflict nightmare. If you are exploring relationships or already in one, this article might help you avoid some of the pain we experienced and stories we hear from clients.

Illustration by Alisa Zahoruiko via iStock

Many of our clients start relationships soon after separation. Feeling lonely is completely natural, but being alone will allow you to start a self-discovery journey that will help you heal old wounds, learn from your mistakes, grow stronger and become wiser. Before trying to find a new partner, try to get to know yourself better: what makes you happy? What triggers you? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

A new partner should lighten up your world, but if you don’t know who you are or what you want out of this life, you might end up choosing the wrong partner again. New lovers should not fill voids, nor should they be used to get back at your ex. People who jump from relationship to relationship tend to make the same mistakes and usually wonder why they cannot be with anyone long-term (no wonder why divorce rates skyrocket after the second marriage). There is no timeline for being ready to move on, but we recommend taking six months to yourself: heal and learn to love yourself before giving your heart away again.

Self-care is the path to self-love: take yourself out on dates, exercise, learn something new, volunteer… maybe you have been thinking about taking a course, joining a team or a club. If you struggle with anxiety or depression, you should consider talking to a therapist or having an appointment with your medical doctor (trust the experts!).

Understanding where romance falls in your list of priorities is very important. Remember that a day has 24 hours, so take some time to think how much time you want to spend on self-care, on your career, on your family, etc.

Do you have the time and energy to add someone new to the mix? And if you do, what kind of person do you want by your side? How do they make you feel? What do you do together? How do they talk to you? How do they support you? How often do you see them? Visualizing your ideal partner is not just about looks, job titles and income.

If you find someone that checks all the marks, take some time to really get to know them. The honeymoon phase can last anywhere between 6 months to 2 years, so slowing down might let you see your new partner’s true colors before you make any life-changing decisions. You might want to talk to a lawyer before moving in with someone else or consider having a cohabitation agreement that will protect you if things don’t work out.

Do not introduce your new partner to your children until you are sure that this new person fits into your life’s plan. Some kids fantasize about their parents getting back together, so introducing a new partner too soon might backfire. They might think the new partner is to blame for the divorce or for their parents inability to reconcile. The last thing you want is for your kids to resent you or your new partner during these confusing times. You might eventually want to blend your family, but giving the children time to adapt is in their best interest. A child psychologist can give you tools for discussing your love life with the children: how and when to introduce a new partner, what sort of activities to do together and how to ensure you still have quality time with your children without the new partner present.

Another person to consider when you start dating again is your former spouse. Sounds a little strange, doesn’t it?

Now that you are no longer in your relationship, you can do what you want! You have freedom!

 

Not so fast…

Whether you like it or not, your former spouse holds a lot of power in the separation process and if you trigger them at the wrong time, look out. Emotional intelligence is key when dealing with matters of the heart. Certified divorce coaches can help you communicate delicate matters with compassion and set boundaries to protect your privacy and avoid future problems. When people are hurt they tend to act irrationally and they might try to get back at you by taking you to court, withholding the children or even suing you (we have seen and heard it all!).

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in fear or hide things from your former partner, but if you want a peaceful separation, make sure you are doing everything in your power to maintain the peace and give everyone time to transition into the new family dynamic. Putting yourself in your ex’s shoes might help you understand how your action might play out in future discussions around parenting time, decision making, property division and support payments.

Everyone deserves love and you have been deprived of it for a long time, you might want to jump back into the dating world right away. This is normal, but take a deep breath and start by loving the only constant in your life: yourself. If you focus on nourishing your mind, body and spirit, you will be wiser, kinder and stronger. Confidence and independence are attractive. Empower yourself and the right person will come your way when you are ready. Put yourself out there, but not because you want to meet someone; do it because you want to grow and become the best version of yourself.

Surround yourself with people that energize you and not with those who drain you. Believe that you deserve to be cherished and respected and the right person will come. If they are not right for you, be grateful for the good times you had together and for what you learned from the experience. As cliché as it sounds, there are plenty of fish in the sea and as long as you continue to love yourself, others will want to join in the fun.

 

Written by: Jake Purdy, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Pineapple Support To Host One-Day Wellness Event – Safety, Stability, and Self-Love

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Pineapple Support, the adult industry’s leading mental health non-profit, will host a one-day wellness event focused on safety, stability, and self-love. The event, sponsored by Sextpanther, Sexyjobs, and Stripchat will take place online on August 24th, from 11AM to 4PM PST.

 

The event will include presentations, classes, and discussions led by Pineapple Support therapists, including:

 

  • “The Art Of Self Pleasure” with Nadège Collot (11AM PST)
  • “Love & Relationships After Trauma” with Devin D’Shae (12PM PST)
  • “Petrified Of Saying No” with Steven Mollura (1PM PST)
  • “The Importance Of Playtime” with Emma Martin at (2PM PST)
  • “Dating Yourself” with Devin D’Shae (3PM PST)

 

“Inspiring healthy relationships with yourself and others comes with challenges, particularly when it comes to intimacy,” says Pineapple Support founder and CEO, Leya Tanit. “Creating a stable personal environment and dealing with life’s uncertainties in an appropriate and effective manner is essential to happiness and fulfilment.”

 

Tanit founded Pineapple Support in 2018, after a string of losses in the adult industry from depression and other mental illnesses. The organization, a qualified 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organization in the United States, has connected over 10,000 adult performers to mental health services, including free and low-cost therapy, counseling, and emotional support.

 

“During this one-day event, we focus on being content with what we have, being comfortable within our lives, and being content with our purpose,” says Tanit. “Through self-love and self-nurturing, Pineapple Support therapists and experts hope to inspire safety and security from within.”

 

The one-day “Safety, Stability & Self Love” wellness event will take place online on August 24th, from 11AM to 4PM PST. For more information about this event and to reserve a place, visit https://pineapplesupport.org/safety-stability-self-love/.

The Beauty of Being You

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Of all the things happening in the world every, single day, the one feature you should always be able to rely upon is yourself. You are the constant in this ever-changing landscape and without a doubt the best opportunity you have for self-improvement.

When you spend much of your time in front of a camera, whether it be on your phone, webcam or a video shoot, it’s really easy to start picking fault with every little detail. This can often come to the forefront for those performers and models who have created an alternative persona for work. The fear of your mask slipping and showing the real you to the outside world is ever present.

Much of this worry is due to the constructs that society places on labels and what they mean. Your family and friends may object to your chosen career, or they may have absolutely no idea what your job entails. The further away your work persona is from the real you, the harder it is to remain in control.

Disguise or Reveal?

It’s a strange concept to understand and get your head around but in real life men don’t really prefer blondes. You only have to scan the first page of any of the popular Cam and Adult sites out there to discover that the reality is actually further away than you imagine.

One of the most popular Cam girls ever is a red head, another has a bust size of 28A, whilst another wears glasses while on cam, even though she has near perfect eyesight. More and more the top girls on Cam are not conforming to the stereotypical blonde with big fake tits look.

Shedding Light on the Secret You

So, what does this mean for you? It definitely allows you the freedom to be more natural and not feel the need to hide behind a wig and a face full of makeup. It gives you permission to spend far less time honing your skills with your fake persona. You get to take advantage of improving other talents, such as interacting and conversing with others.

You don’t need to go out and buy lots of expensive items of clothing and underwear if you don’t want to. Just ensure you feel comfortable in what you wear. If you’ve never worn stockings and suspenders before, don’t start now as you won’t look natural on camera. There’s nothing worse than someone who is more concerned about what they are wearing, than what they are actually doing on cam or during a photoshoot.

Your Daily Aims

If at all possible, try and stay focused and make sure you keep in touch with your loved ones and friends. It’s crucial to your state of being, so that each day has a focus and meaning. You don’t need to speak to everyone, every single day, nor wait until the weekend before reaching out. Don’t wait for people to contact you first, remember some people find opening up a bit of a struggle. They are also the ones who truly appreciate that you were thinking about them and made contact.

The same applies to your fans and contacts on Cam, the more you stay in touch by messaging and sending them updates about your day, the more they’ll be likely to remain loyal. Don’t stress out when they are short of cash and can’t spend it on you, it costs nothing to send them a short message and will gain their loyalty in the long run!

Be Good to Yourself

Everyone has bad days from time to time and if you are having a particularly awful day, it’s not something you should really be sharing with anyone other than your nearest and dearest. These are the times when you need to unwind, relax and give yourself a treat. It doesn’t have to be something which costs money.

You could try some Yoga, or Breathing exercises, or perhaps reward yourself to a nice cup of hot chocolate and a good book. The time you take to care for you, is crucial to your wellbeing. It will enable acceptance of your whole being with or without faults. You’ll feel differently about creating improvements to your mind and body and no longer feel that you have to punish yourself for those tiny faults you previously perceived as mountainous.

Pineapple Supports

Pineapple offers all types of support groups and resources for improving your mental health and overall wellbeing. There is no stigma, and the team are there specifically for online, adult sex workers, worldwide. There are webinars covering specific areas and events which aim to bring like-minded people together.

Remember, you are loved, we are listening, and you are not alone!

Self-Care as simple as A-B-C

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Every job takes energy but being an adult entertainer or a support in the industry requires giving a lot of ourselves, sometimes to the point of burnout. During self-care month, we are highlighting ways to spot and change the habits that drain us and ways to re-energize when we feel depleted. Here is a start:

 

Self-care works best when we take an A-B-C approach; Awareness, Balance, and Connection.

 

  • Find your own ‘optimal range’ of productivity. Take stock of your commitments. Write down both the positive and the negative effects (money, strain, stress, fatigue). And then rate the necessity of them. Be honest, are you doing it because you need to or because someone else expects it of you?

 

  • Make a list of self-care strategies. If you find this difficult, ask friends, family, colleagues, which self-care strategies they find most effective.

 

  • Schedule time in your diary each week for guilt-free self-care. This doesn’t have to be big or time consuming. It can be curling up with a favorite movie or having a cappuccino date with a friend.

 

  • Have transition time from work to home. For example, do five ‘sun salutations’ or change into comfy clothes when you get home. Create a habit that signals to your brain that it is time to wind down.

 

  • Set a time each day when you completely disconnect from technology (phone, computer, television, everything). Even an hour break from technology can recharge you before you face the online world again.

 

  • Spend face-to-face time with people who give you support. A hug is worth a thousand encouraging words, especially when you feel drained. But talk is important too! Talk out your stress. Process your thoughts and reactions with someone else (colleague, therapist, friend, family member). Make a plan of how you can strengthen your positive support system and distance yourself from those who fuel your stress.

 

  • Spend time with a pet. Pets accept whatever affection you are able to give them without asking for more and can give endless amount of unconditional support in return. Bonus – our blood pressure and heart rate decreases when interacting with animals.

 

  • Make laughter, joy, and play a priority at home. Creating fun may be a focus at work but it’s equally important at home. Name three things you feel grateful for today. Think of something that brings you a sense of joy (Make a top ten list and keep it handy when you are down). Who do you love that you can reach out to today (Call them!). What made you laugh today? (Share it!)

 

Self-care not only helps us personally, it helps us to be our best work selves as well. Remember, in order to give our best at work, we must have something left to give. If you feel overwhelmed or like you need more support than you have access to at home, contact Pineapple Support.

 

Dr. Jena Field