Five ways to work with a social comedown

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If you haven’t read the last post, you might want to start there, since it has a much longer definition of what a social comedown is. In brief, social comedowns consist of difficult thoughts, sensations, feelings and urges arising after socialising that often include ruminating over past distress and judging yourself for having a hard time. They can include deep-seated feelings of shame, inadequacy, sadness, guilt, dread and embarrassment.

There are a huge range of ways to work with social comedowns; if they are having a big impact on your life, I’d recommend talking to a coach or therapist about how to find the best way for you. People are really individual, and because we each have our own histories and preferences no single option is going to work for everyone. Nevertheless, here are 5 ways that you could try to see if they fit for you:

  1. Focus on the sensations

Many people experience emotions in their bodies. If you are a person that can feel emotions in this way it can be a wonderful way of just being with one aspect of your emotional experience. Rather than doing things to avoid the sensations in your body, approach them with a sense of curiosity. Find a comfortable position to sit or lie in for 5 minutes, and just scan your body for sensations. When you find a sensation in your body that is related to your emotions be curious about it. Notice whether it is hot or cold, its density, whether it is staying still or moving. Notice its size and shape, and whether there is a colour or texture to it. Is there any tension to it? Just allow it to be exactly what it is in your body without trying to change it or move it. Notice what it is like to accept that you are experiencing this sensation. When your thoughts drift as they inevitably will, just bring yourself back and allow yourself to notice whether anything is different about the sensation.

This practice can help you to be with emotional experiences without ruminating or avoiding – which both usually make emotional experiences more intense and difficult to manage. It can help you to accept your emotions and allow you to move on from them. This is an exercise that you can practice in advance so that it is easier to remember when you are experiencing distress – and don’t be afraid to use it when you’re having nice sensations in your body as well as more difficult ones.

2) Mindfulness of thoughts

Creating space between you and your thoughts can be a hugely helpful alternative to ruminating. My favourite way of doing this is to imagine tiny boats going down a river, and then as I notice thoughts come up, I put them onto one of the boats and letting them go as they float off. Sometimes I can’t help jumping on the boat with the thought, and I have to ‘unhook’ myself by jumping off the boat back to the shore. That’s OK too. People often get caught by a thought and feel really compelled to follow it to its conclusion. Noticing that happen is a really important part of this technique, because it allows you to find the moment to decide not to follow the thought further, ideally without having further judgemental thoughts about yourself! Different people have different preferred ways to visualise their thoughts. While I prefer boats, others like leaves on a stream; trains on a track or balloons floating their thoughts away. Whatever your preference, noticing the thought is happening, and letting it come and go through your mind is a hugely powerful way to remind yourself that no matter how much a thought feels like your whole world, you can let it go.

Some examples of audio files to help you with mindfulness of thoughts are here:

3) Urge surfing

We all have urges to do and not to do things all the time. The urge may be to hide in bed all day or to lash out at someone or get really drunk. Sometimes it is helpful to notice what we really want to do, and just sit with that desire. You may notice the desire is located in a part of your body – and this process may be very similar to the first suggestion of sensation watching. Alternatively, urges may be a really different kind of experience for you than other sensations. Here are a couple of audio files to use for sitting with your urges:

4) Do intense exercise

People that know me will know that intense exercises isn’t something I’m usually keen on. Nevertheless, increasing your heart rate and keeping it above 120 beats per minute for 10-15 minutes helps a lot of people to manage distress. Some people think that it is because you get to complete the stress response cycle by using up some of the energy boost that you get when you’re facing a stressful or distressing situation. Some think it is an intense form of distraction that is helpful because it allows you to shift your attention to something else happening in your body. I think it is a mix of these things, and that it works really well for some people. If you want to try it, jumping, skipping or running can be a good way of getting your heart rate into that zone and holding it there.

5) Do a paired muscle relaxation exercise

This exercise can help because you’re both distracting from the distressing thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges that you’re feeling, and you’re doing something to physiologically relax your body and give it the message that you’re safe.  We know that tensing and then relaxing muscles helps them to relax more fully than trying to relax them without tensing first. If you want to do this you can find exercises here:

If you’d like to do more work on how to cope with social come downs and other mental health challenges think about joining one of my DBT groups. We work on psychological skill building to help you to manage interpersonal relationships, distress and emotions. You can find more information here.

Social comedowns: the morning after the night before

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So you’ve heard of the social hangover, but what about the social comedown? A social hangover is the experience of feeling drained, exhausted and in need of recovery time after a social event. There has been a lot written about it probably because it is a pretty common experience, particularly amongst introverts. But what about its lesser known cousin, the social comedown? A comedown is when you experience a physical and/or emotional crash, usually after having an intense experience or taking psychoactive substances. Whilst some comedowns are fairly mild and can be similar to hangovers, others can be really intense and longer lasting.

What is a social comedown?

Social comedowns consist of  difficult thoughts, sensations, feelings and urges arising after socialising that often include ruminating over past distress and judging yourself for having a hard time. They are most common the morning after an intense social situation, usually a group hangout, but sometimes one to one situations can provoke them as well. More unusually, some people experience a social comedown towards the end of hangout time or immediately after leaving a social situation. The physical sensations can start off really similar to a social hangover, and can include feeling tired, drained, and listless. The emotional symptoms can be wide-ranging, from sadness, guilt, dread, emptiness, lonliness, embarrassment or shame through to panic about having said or done the wrong thing. These emotions can lead to someone taking a mental tour of the social time, analysing in detail every potentially awkward or embarrassing social interaction. Every time they did something that could be seen as weird, every misplaced smile or frown.

Even when someone knows logically that everything was fine, and that their friends wouldn’t judge them for their behaviour it can be nearly impossible to step away from critically over-analyzing every moment. Worse, the analysis of the social event can lead people to a lowlights reel of all their most humiliating social interactions and ruminating over all the ways they have been awkward in the past. Because this is a cycle, people usually feel better a couple of days later, but rather than being able to move on from these feelings, they can get stuck being judgemental towards themselves about having the feelings at all. That, in turn, attacks their self-esteem and self-worth. If this resonates with your experience, know this: you are far from alone.

What if we understood social comedowns as a normal part of life?

As part of the kink community, I have long understood that comedowns are a normal part of life, but that message seems not to have spread particularly widely. Indeed, I’m aware of some kinksters that feel it’s a point of pride that they *don’t* get comedowns and others that feel like the fact they do have them sometimes is a personal weakness. Nevertheless, it is widely accepted that comedowns are more or less inevitable if you play long enough and hard enough with someone, whether you’re a top or a bottom.  They can come in unexpected ways, at unexpected times and learning to cope with the emotional fallout is a skill that we have to learn. We work out how to engage with ‘comedown’ buddies if our tops/bottoms aren’t available for that emotional work. We have aftercare plans. We explore ways to treat ourselves and each other with compassion, kindness and gentleness in the days and weeks after we play together. I wonder what would happen if we extended this thinking to the social comedown. Would it make the emotions more manageable if they were normalised? Would we be able to engage with our own distress with less judgement about who we are? I think perhaps we would.

When I work with clients on this topic, many of them feel entirely alone. They have no idea that there are lots of people, particularly neuroatypical people, who experience intense comedowns after socialising. Just the fact that others have this experience is incredibly affirming and helps people to shift the self-judgement. The next post by Sophia is on a few ways to work with the strong feelings that arise with a social comedown, but in the meantime, I think it is important to have some conversations to normalise this idea. Here are some suggestions:

1) I’d invite you to open conversations with people about the concept of the social comedown, maybe even share this blog post.

2) Share your experience. What does it feel like to you? What helps you? What support could other people offer you?

3) At large gatherings like sexuality and kink conferences, make active plans with others about comedown support. Make it a community issue where we share emotional and practical resources.

Pineapple Support, Silverstein Legal Team Up for TES Show

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Pineapple Support has announced a partnership with legal advocate Silverstein Legal for the upcoming 2019 European Summit (TES) in Prague from September 13-16.

Pineapple Support founder Leya Tanit and adult industry attorney Corey D. Silverstein of Silverstein Legal will be on hand during the trade show offering free consultations from their private suite on issues related to performer mental health and well-being.

“We wanted to help people prioritize the issues that affect their businesses and their workers,” said Tanit. “By creating a space away from the crowds, and offering free, confidential consultations, we can provide a bit of refuge for businesses to address issues critical to their growth and success.”

Pineapple Support is additionally welcoming any potential sponsors to visit the suite to learn how they can help support the mental health of workers in the adult industry and will hold a “Building Stronger Companies Through Mental Health” seminar at TES on September 14.

Silverstein will also present several educational seminars throughout the conference, including “Legal for Newbies: Back to Basics” on September 14 at 11 a.m.(GMT+2), “FOSTA/SESTA Update” later in the day at 2 p.m. and “Legal: Where are We Now and Where are We Going” on the 15th at 2 p.m.

“Silverstein Legal is proud to be returning as a sponsor to TES in Prague,” commented Silverstein. “After last year’s remarkable event, and substantial interest from TES attendees for scheduled and impromptu legal meetings, we wanted to provide attendees with a quiet and private place to meet. Teaming up with Pineapple Support for this special place was the perfect fit given the anonymity and privacy that our respective clients desire.”

Pineapple Support is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit in the United States and a registered charity in the U.K. Since its founding in 2018, it has connected over two-hundred-and-fifty adult performers to mental health services; including free and low-cost therapy, counseling and emotional support.

Silverstein Legal is a boutique law firm focused on areas of the law that impact the adult entertainment industry. His clientele includes hosting companies, affiliate programs, content producers, payment processors, website operators, dating websites, webcam sites, traffic brokers, affiliates, advertising networks and social media websites and performers.

Those interested in consulting with Tanit or Silverstein should contact them directly to schedule the meeting. The suite will be open for walk-in appointments during the show, as available.

Pineapple Support Highlights Danger of Sex Work Stigma in Brutally Honest Video Campaign

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Pineapple Support, the industry’s leading mental health resource, has launched a brutally honest video campaign to help raise awareness of the mental health challenges faced by adult performers. The video sheds light on the toll that discrimination, stigma, stress, consent violation and emotional abuse can inflict on performers.

“We wanted to be uncompromisingly honest about the effect stigma has on adult performers,” says Leya Tanit, Founder and President of Pineapple Support. “The video may be difficult to watch, but so is the reality faced by performers. As our industry knows all too well, sex worker stigma can be life-threatening. Most importantly, we wanted those struggling to know that they are not alone — and that there is help.”

Founded in 2018 by Tanit, Pineapple Support provides adult performers with 24/7 access to emotional support and other mental health resources. In just over eighteen months, the organisation has connected over two hundred and fifty adult performers with free and low-cost therapy, counseling, group sessions, and other resources.

The one-and-a-half-minute video, featuring actress Lyra Law, was produced in collaboration with CC Productions and Clips4Sale.

“We’re proud to have partnered with Pineapple Support on this project,” says Neil Orkin, CEO of Clips4Sale. “We hope the message in this video helps people to better understand the impact of stigma and mental health issues on adult performers. The outstanding work that Pineapple Support is doing is paramount to the future of the adult industry.

Christina Carter who directed the video for Pineapple Support says that it was crucial that the video tackle the issues with realism. Carter says even Lyra Law’s tears were real. 

“We could have shot something bubbly and beautiful,” says Carter. “But we are not here to sugarcoat the issues. We are here to truly help our fellow talent and industry. I hope we’ve got your attention.” 

Pineapple Support is encouraging performers and allies to share the video via YouTube, Twitter and Facebook.

 

WARNING – Please be aware that the video itself is disturbing, and involves representation of issues like addiction, assault, homophobia, whorephobia and self-harm, to name a few. If these or related issues are triggers, you may want to avoid it.

 

Pineapple Support, which is a registered 501(c)3 non-profit in the United State and a registered charity in the UK, offers stigma-free therapy and counselling. The Pineapple Support listener service is completely free, anonymous and available 24/7. Simply visit the website pineapplesupport.com and click “Get Support”.